Happy Howlidays Read online

  So Saint Lick ran away…

  Now she won’t get any gifts

  To open Critter-Mess Day!!

  I don’t know if I’ve told you before, my person-pal, but I have a BRILLIANT singing voice. It’s true. I’m going to be the best GOOD BOY of them all tonight. Just you wait and see…

  8:30 p.m.

  What did I tell you?!? NAILED IT!!

  Thursday

  Well, whadda-ya-know!? I learned a whole heap of new stuff at the dog park today, my furless friend. It turns out that not all humans celebrate the Howliday Season with Fangsgiving and Critter-Mess Day.

  Betty’s pet human celebrates another holiday… she called it HANUUUUUUKKAH!

  And Lola’s pet celebrates another one altogether! They call it KWANZAA!

  I don’t know much about Kwanzaa, but Lola says they have lots of food, too, so it sounds pretty BARK-A-LICIOUS if you ask me.

  Friday

  Today I found the BEST chew toys hanging under the window ledge outside the Food Room when I was out in the backyard. They’re coldy, crunchy, pointy things and they are ACE for biting on. I’ve called them ACE-ICLES!!

  Saturday

  2 p.m.

  Today, Mom-Lady, Ruff, and Jawjaw have all gone off to the mall to do some shopping for gifts, so I’m over at Genghis’s kennel with Lola and Betty. It’s so weird, my person-pal. I had no idea that one home could be so different from another.

  Genghis’s kennel is nothing like our Catch-A-Doggy-Bone one. It’s huge and everything smells like lemon dish soap. His pet human is super funny as well.

  Wherever we go in the house, Genghis’s pet follows us with a broom and handfuls of dusters and cleaning spray, like the stuff Mom-Lady keeps under the sink. It’s like he actually enjoys cleaning!

  Whoever heard of anybody who likes tidying up? MAKING A MESS IS THE FUN PART!!

  2:37 p.m.

  Oh no, my person-pal! Just when I thought there weren’t going to be any more scares before Critter-Mess Day, I’ve just overheard something that has made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Something so terrible, I think I might need to have a lie down.

  I can tell you what I’ve just discovered, but you’ve got to promise me you’re feeling in a brave mood!

  Do not turn to the next page if you’re squeamish, nervous, or inclined to pee your human pants with fear!

  Well done, my furless friend. You’re clearly very brave.

  Okay, so I’m going to tell you what I just heard. Brace yourself!

  Genghis’s owner finally got tired of tidying up after us dogs and took us all out to the backyard. We were all there, doing our business, if you know what I mean. The pet human got a poop bag ready in his hands and then he said…

  At first I didn’t think anything of it, until I realized the crazy guy was talking about poops… POOPS!! That’s what the word “presents” means!!!

  My head started racing and my memory flashed back to the night I watched The Night Before Critter-Mess on the picture box with Ruff.

  HOW COULD I BE SO WRONG!?!? I’ve been waiting impatiently for Critter-Mess Eve to arrive and for Saint Lick to… to… POOP ALL OVER THE CATCH-A-DOGGY-BONE KENNEL!!!

  6 p.m.

  It’s no use, my person-pal. I got home hours ago and I’ve been trying to warn my family about the dreadful thing I found out, but they just don’t understand Doglish.

  It’s useless! If I don’t do something quick, my poor pet humans are going to wake up on Critter-Mess Day morning and find the whole kennel is piled high with stinky… PRESENTS!!

  They’ll never think I’m a GOOD BOY again if that happens. I’m going to have to take matters into my own paws. I’ve got just under a week until the big day and the POOPER FROM THE NORTH POLE arrives to do his worst.

  THINK, JUNIOR, THINK!!

  Monday

  Check! Check! This is Secret Agent Junior, do you copy?

  Right, my furless friend, I’ve been thinking and plotting lots of different ways to stop the dreaded Saint Lick from flying to our house and ruining Critter-Mess for us.

  Lola’s pet human has a bouncy tramp-o-line in her backyard, so at first I thought…

  But I’d never get that thing up onto the roof.

  Then I thought…

  But I’d never find a bag big enough!

  What am I going to do?!? If Mom-Lady and Jawjaw find out that I knew about this and didn’t stop it, I’ll be branded a BAD DOG for life.

  Wednesday

  Nothing! Think, Junior!!!

  Thursday

  Still nothing… I wonder how long it would take to befriend the local RACCOONS, train them to eat intruders, then send them all up the chimney on Critter-Mess Eve to wait for our unwanted guest?

  Hmmmm… probably too long… and I’m not sure they’d like it up there too much…

  Friday

  AAAAAAAAGH! I’m running out of time!!

  Saturday

  I never thought I’d say this, my furless friend, but I take it all back—the Howliday Season is a NIGHTMARE. It’s terrible. Every time I close my eyes for a nap I have dreams of reindeer-pulled rascals doing their business in our lovely kennel. This is not the Critter-Mess-time I was hoping for!

  Sunday

  It gets worse! Tomorrow is Critter-Mess Eve and I’ve just found out that Grandmoo is coming to stay the night. She’s going to sleep on the comfy squishy thing in the Picture Box Room. She’ll be in prime position for POOP PERIL!!

  CRITTER-MESS EVE

  Okay, my furless friend, I’ve had an idea!

  Tonight is the night and there’s no way I am just going to sit back and watch my poor, unsuspecting pet humans have their Howliday Season ruined.

  I may not be able to stop Saint Lick from arriving in Hills Village, but I can certainly stop him from getting into the Catch-A-Doggy-Bone kennel. They don’t call me the INTERNATIONAL POOCH OF POWER for nothing, you know!

  Well, okay… no one calls me that, but they will when everybody realizes that I saved the happiest of howlidays.

  Now it’s just a waiting game…

  12:23 p.m.

  Grandmoo has just arrived with an armful of the most incredible-looking gifts, all wrapped with bows and sparkly paper. For the first time in days, I just got a tickle of excitement down my spine again. So long as I can keep the Dastardly Doo-Doo-er out, this could still be the BESTEST Critter-Mess ever.

  3:35 p.m.

  The family has sat down to play some weird game with colored checkers going around a board. Ha! Just look at ’em. I don’t think I’ve ever loved a bunch of humans more… even JAWJAW!

  6 p.m.

  Getting a little bored now… come on!!

  7 p.m.

  This is TORTURE, my person-pal. I’ve been dreading tonight, but now I can’t wait for everyone to go to bed so I can turn our kennel into a FLUSHING FORTRESS, too scary for any prowling pooper to venture inside.

  8 p.m.

  COME ON!!! I’M PRACTICALLY ITCHING TO GET GOING!!

  Oh, hang on. That might just be fleas…

  9 p.m.

  It’s finally time, my furless friend. Mom-Lady has ordered everybody off to their Sleep Rooms for an early night. All I have to do is curl up with Ruff, wait for him to fall asleep, and then sneak out for OPERATION POOP PATROL!!

  11:38 p.m.

  Shhhhhh! Don’t make a sound or we’ll wake everybody up. It’s time, my person-pal… You stay here and I’ll let you know when it’s all over.

  12:27 a.m.

  Pssssst! Oh, sorry… did I wake you? It’s done, my furless friend. The Catch-A-Doggy-Bone kennel is so filled with traps, there’s no way Saint Lick will get away with his sticky plans. Uh-uh!

  I found a load of the orange exploding vegetables from Fangsgiving (super squishy now) in the trash and put them all around Grandmoo. That’ll protect her!

  I put Jawjaw’s building blocks along the base of every door. Saint Lick will get a prickly surprise if he steps on any of them.r />
  I turned on the taps in the Rainy Poop Room and pulled the door shut. If he goes in there, he’ll get washed halfway down the street. Ha ha!

  There’s a maze of toilet paper between the Critter-Mess tree and… well… just about everything. A tangle trap for sure!

  Mom-Lady left a big bag of little green sprouty vegetables in the Food Room. They made excellent slippy-sliders for all over the floors.

  That ought to do it, my person-pal. No one comes into my kennel and leaves poopy presents all over the place on my watch!

  Now there’s just a bit more waiting to be done. Everyone will be so proud of me when they see I’ve caught Saint Lick.

  1 a.m.

  Waiting…

  1:23 a.m.

  Waitin…

  1:34 a.m.

  Wai.…

  1:35 a.m.

  CRITTER-MESS DAY!

  7:12 a.m.

  Aaaaaaagh! I must have fallen asleep. I’ve just woken up to the sound of yelling. It must be him! Saint Lick must have triggered one of my traps, my furless friend. Let’s go see!!

  8 a.m.

  I DID IT, MY PERSON-PAL!

  I ran out of Ruff’s Sleep Room to find complete chaos! Grandmoo, Mom-Lady, Ruff, and Jawjaw were scrabbling around with water and exploded orange goop everywhere. Hundreds of green sprouty vegetables were bobbing about and the Critter-Mess tree was being washed down the hall in a cloud of soggy toilet paper.

  I looked left and right, scanning the rooms for Saint Lick the Prowling Pooper, and you know what? He was nowhere to be seen!! I stopped that Dastardly Doo-Doo-er! Which means…

  Well, whodathunk?! I never imagined when I started this second adventure in my Dog Diaries that I’d be saving Critter-Mess and making this the most memorable Howliday Season the Catch-A-Doggy-Bones had ever had.

  My work is done here, my person-pal.

  I don’t think things could be any more festively fantastic and I can’t wait to go join my pack for a day of CRITTER-MESS CHEER!!

  The Next Morning

  Oh! Wait! One last thing, my furless friend.

  Last night, after Mom-Lady had cleaned up all the mess left from my amazing Saint Lick traps (she was so impressed she wailed and screamed practically ALL DAY), Ruff and I went back to his Sleep Room and found something strange on his pillow.

  Well, what do you know!? Saint Lick must have been so impressed by OPERATION POOP PATROL he left me my first-ever Critter-Mess gift. It’s a black lumpy thing!!

  I’M A GOOD BOY FOR CERTAIN!!

  How to speak Doglish

  A human’s essential guide to speaking paw-fect Doglish!

  HOLIDAYS

  Peoplish: The Holiday Season

  Doglish: The Howliday Season

  Peoplish: Thanksgiving

  Doglish: Fangsgiving

  Peoplish: Christmas Day

  Doglish: Critter-Mess Day

  Peoplish: New Year’s Day

  Doglish: New Ears Day

  Peoplish: Independence Day

  Doglish: Inky-pen-dance Day

  PEOPLE

  Peoplish: Owner

  Doglish: Pet human

  Peoplish: Grandma

  Doglish: Grandmoo

  Peoplish: Grandpa

  Doglish: Grand-paw

  Peoplish: Mom

  Doglish: Mom-lady

  Peoplish: Georgia

  Doglish: Jawjaw

  Peoplish: Rafe

  Doglish: Ruff

  Peoplish: Khatchadorian

  Doglish: Catch-A-Doggy-Bone

  Peoplish: Santa Claus

  Doglish: Saint Lick

  PLACES

  Peoplish: House

  Doglish: Kennel

  Peoplish: Bedroom

  Doglish: Sleep Room

  Peoplish: Kitchen

  Doglish: Food Room

  Peoplish: Bathroom

  Doglish: Rainy Poop Room

  Peoplish: Livingroom

  Doglish: Picture Box Room

  THINGS

  Peoplish: Fridge

  Doglish: Coldy frosty tall thing

  Peoplish: Oven

  Doglish: Hot fire box

  Peoplish: TV

  Doglish: Picture box

  Peoplish: Sofa

  Doglish: Comfy squishy thing

  Peoplish: Car

  Doglish: Moving people-box on wheels

  Peoplish: Telephone

  Doglish: Chatty-ear-stick

  Peoplish: Mobile phone

  Doglish: Talky box

  Peoplish: Icicles

  Doglish: Ace-icles

  About the Authors

  JAMES PAT-MY-HEAD-ERSON is the international bestselling author of the poochilicious Middle School, I Funny, Jacky Ha-Ha, Treasure Hunters, and House of Robots series, as well as Word of Mouse, Max Einstein: The Genius Experiment, Pottymouth and Stoopid, and Laugh Out Loud. James Patterson’s books have sold more than 385 million copies kennel-wide, making him one of the biggest-selling GOOD BOYS of all time. He lives in Florida.

  Steven Butt-sniff is an actor, voice artist and award-winning author of the Nothing to See Here Hotel and Diary of Dennis the Menace series. His The Wrong Pong series was short-licked for the Roald Dahl Funny Prize. He is also the host of World Bark Day’s The Biggest Book Show on Earth.

  Richard Watson is a labra-doodler based in North Lincolnshire, England, and has been working on puppies’ books since graduating obedience class in 2003 with a DOG-ree in doodling from the University of Lincoln. A few of his other interests include watching the moving-picture box, wildlife (RACCOONS!), and music.

  JIMMY Patterson Books for Young Readers

  JAMES PATTERSON PRESENTS

  Sci-Fi Junior High by John Martin and Scott Seegert

  Sci-Fi Junior High: Crash Landing by John Martin and Scott Seegert

  How to Be a Supervillain by Michael Fry

  How to Be a Supervillain: Born to Be Good by Michael Fry

  How to Be a Supervillain: Bad Guys Finish First by Michael Fry

  The Unflushables by Ron Bates

  Ernestine, Catastrophe Queen by Merrill Wyatt

  THE MIDDLE SCHOOL SERIES BY JAMES PATTERSON

  Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life

  Middle School: Get Me Out of Here!

  Middle School: Big Fat Liar

  Middle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill

  Middle School: Ultimate Showdown

  Middle School: Save Rafe!

  Middle School: Just My Rotten Luck

  Middle School: Dog’s Best Friend

  Middle School: Escape to Australia

  Middle School: From Hero to Zero

  Middle School: Born to Rock

  THE I FUNNY SERIES BY JAMES PATTERSON

  I Funny

  I Even Funnier

  I Totally Funniest

  I Funny TV

  I Funny: School of Laughs

  The Nerdiest, Wimpiest, Dorkiest I Funny Ever

  THE TREASURE HUNTERS SERIES BY JAMES PATTERSON

  Treasure Hunters

  Treasure Hunters: Danger Down the Nile

  Treasure Hunters: Secret of the Forbidden City

  Treasure Hunters: Peril at the Top of the World

  Treasure Hunters: Quest for the City of Gold

  Treasure Hunters: All-American Adventure

  THE HOUSE OF ROBOTS SERIES BY JAMES PATTERSON

  House of Robots

  House of Robots: Robots Go Wild!

  House of Robots: Robot Revolution

  THE DANIEL X SERIES BY JAMES PATTERSON

  The Dangerous Days of Daniel X

  Daniel X: Watch the Skies

  Daniel X: Demons and Druids

  Daniel X: Game Over

  Daniel X: Armageddon

  Daniel X: Lights Out

  OTHER ILLUSTRATED NOVELS AND STORIES

  Katt vs. Dogg

  Unbelievably Boring Bart

  Max Einstein: The Genius Experiment

  Max Einstein: Rebe
l with a Cause

  Not So Normal Norbert

  Laugh Out Loud

  Pottymouth and Stoopid

  Jacky Ha-Ha

  Jacky Ha-Ha: My Life Is a Joke

  Public School Superhero

  Word of Mouse

  Give Please a Chance

  Give Thank You a Try

  Big Words for Little Geniuses

  Cuddly Critters for Little Geniuses

  The Candies Save Christmas

  For exclusives, trailers, and other information, visit jimmypatterson.org.

  Human pals…

  Don’t miss the third book in the Dog Diaries series!

  Coming in 2020

  Thank you for buying this ebook, published by Hachette Digital.

  To receive special offers, bonus content, and news about our latest ebooks and apps, sign up for our newsletters.

  Sign Up

  Or visit us at hachettebookgroup.com/newsletters