Hollywood 101 Read online

  Contents

  About the Book

  About the Author

  Also by James Patterson

  The Middle School Series

  Title Page

  Chapter 1: The Revenge of Khatchadorzilla

  Chapter 2: Un, Dos, Trey

  Chapter 3: New Kid on the Block

  Chapter 4: The Fart To End All Farts

  Chapter 5: Who is Spartacus?

  Chapter 6: Rafe Khatchadorian, Hipster

  Chapter 7: Me and Icelandic Eyes

  Chapter 8: Don’t Blow It

  Chapter 9: Things Get Weird

  Chapter 10: Things Get Weirder

  Chapter 11: Invasion of the Quinoa Eaters

  Chapter 12: Hooray for Hollywood!

  Chapter 13: You Look Like a Goldfish

  Chapter 14: Miss Starr Will See You Now

  Chapter 15: The Old Clark Kent Switcheroo

  Chapter 16: I’m Gonna Put You in the Movies. Kind Of

  Chapter 17: Lesson One

  Chapter 18: Any Chance of Lunch with George Clooney?

  Chapter 19: Camera! Lights! Action!

  Chapter 20: I Said Almond Milk!

  Chapter 21: Experience the Wrath of Khatchadorian Kong!

  Chapter 22: Movies. Take. For. Ever

  Chapter 23: Rafe Goes Pro

  Chapter 24: I’ll Be in My Trailer

  Chapter 25: Bully for You

  Chapter 26: The Great Movie Star Kissing Disaster

  Chapter 27: I Can Always Tell When There’s a “But” Coming

  Chapter 28: Do You Know Who I Am?

  Chapter 29: Between a Rock and a Hard Place

  Chapter 30: The Rafe with No Name

  Chapter 31: Rafe Khatchadorian: Dragon Slayer, Smoothie Runner

  Chapter 32: We Are at Defcon 5

  Chapter 33: The Creature from Green Gloop Swamp

  Chapter 34: Banishment

  Chapter 35: Watch Out for the Flying Zombie-Monkeys

  Chapter 36: That’s a Wrap

  Chapter 37: Apology Number One

  Chapter 38: The Iceman Cometh

  Chapter 39: Apology Number Two

  Chapter 40: Hollywood Takedown

  Epilogue

  Sneak Preview

  Copyright

  About the Book

  Just when school was at its suckiest, things take a turn for the better when a cool, mysterious new girl shows up. Not only that, she actually wants to be my friend!

  But, you guessed it, things aren’t that simple. And when HOLLYWOOD suddenly rolls into Hills Village, things get very weird very fast.

  Somehow, unbelievably, I, Rafe Katchadorian, am in the movie business…

  HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD!

  About the Author

  JAMES PATTERSON is the internationally bestselling author of the highly praised Middle School books, Homeroom Diaries, Kenny Wright: Superhero, Jacky Ha-Ha, and the I Funny, Treasure Hunters, House of Robots, Maximum Ride, Confessions, Witch & Wizard and Daniel X series. James Patterson has been the most borrowed author in UK libraries for the past nine years in a row and his books have sold more than 325 million copies worldwide, making him one of the biggest-selling authors of all time. He lives in Florida.

  Also by James Patterson

  I Funny series

  I Funny (with Chris Grabenstein)

  I Even Funnier (with Chris Grabenstein)

  I Totally Funniest (with Chris Grabenstein)

  I Funny TV (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Treasure Hunters series

  Treasure Hunters (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Danger Down the Nile (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Secret of the Forbidden City (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Peril at the Top of the World (with Chris Grabenstein)

  House of Robots series

  House of Robots (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Robots Go Wild! (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Other illustrated novels

  Kenny Wright: Superhero (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Jacky Ha-Ha (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Daniel X series

  The Dangerous Days of Daniel X (with Michael Ledwidge)

  Watch the Skies (with Ned Rust)

  Demons and Druids (with Adam Sadler)

  Game Over (with Ned Rust)

  Armageddon (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Lights Out (with Chris Grabenstein)

  For more information about James Patterson’s novels, visit

  www.jamespatterson.co.uk

  Or become a fan on Facebook

  THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  This is the insane story of my first year at middle school, when I, Rafe Khatchadorian, took on a real-life bear (sort of), sold my soul to the school bully, and fell for the most popular girl in school. Come join me, if you dare…

  GET ME OUT OF HERE!

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  We’ve moved to the big city, where I’m going to a super-fancy art school. The first project is to create something based on our exciting lives. But I have a BIG problem: my life is TOTALLY BORING. It’s time for Operation Get a Life.

  MY BROTHER IS A BIG, FAT LIAR

  (with Lisa Papademetriou)

  So you’ve heard all about my big brother, Rafe, and now it’s time to set the record straight. I’m NOTHING like my brother. (Almost) EVERYTHING he says is a Big Fat Lie. And my book is 100 times better than Rafe’s. I’m Georgia, and it’s time for some payback…Khatchadorian style.

  HOW I SURVIVED BULLIES, BROCCOLI, AND SNAKE HILL

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  I’m excited for a fun summer at camp—until I find out it’s a summer school camp. There’s no fun and games here, I have a bunk mate called Booger Eater (it’s pretty self-explanatory), and we’re up against the kids from the “Cool Cabin”… there’s gonna be a whole lotta trouble!

  ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN

  (with Julia Bergen)

  Who would have thought that we—Rafe and Georgia—would ever agree on anything? That’s right—we’re writing a book together. Discover: Who has the best advice on BULLIES? Who’s got all the right DANCE MOVES? Who’s the cleverest Khatchadorian in town? And the best part? We want you to be part of the fun too!

  SAVE RAFE!

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  I’m in worse trouble than ever! I need to survive a gut-bustingly impossible outdoor excursion so I can return to school next year. Watch me as I become “buddies” with the scariest girl on the planet, raft down the rapids on a deadly river, and ultimately learn the most important lesson of my life.

  JUST MY ROTTEN LUCK

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  I’m heading back to the place it all began: Hills Village Middle School, but only if I take “special” classes… If that wasn’t bad enough, when I somehow land a place on the school football team, I find myself playing alongside none other than the biggest bully in school, Miller the Killer!

  “I SAID, SEAWEED and sable, you idiot! Not wheatgrass and chai!” Hollywood teen heart-throb movie star Trey Kernigan, his perfect blond hair vibrating in fury, his perfect white teeth glinting in the Malibu sun, snarled at his personal assistant’s assistant, Zuki. He hurled the smoothie across the deck of his multimillion-dollar beachside pad. “Get me what I asked for, understand? Or you’ll be looking for another job, Zucchini, or whatever your dumb name is!”

  The sobbing Zuki swept up the remains of the smoothie and scuttled off to the kitchen in search of seaweed and sable. Trey Kernigan adjusted his expensive shades, sat back down on the deck, and crossed his legs.

  Zuki had completely ruined his Monday-morning yoga. He decided he’d sack her. Or get his personal assistant to do it. Or sack them both. Either wa
y, that smoothie-ruining loser would be flipping burgers out with all the ordinary people before sundown.

  Trey took a long, deep breath, plugged in his Peruvian monk chant music, and tried to refocus his chakra. Life was just sooo hard. Honestly, some days it just wasn’t worth a Hollywood teen heart-throb movie star getting up in the morning.

  “Umdoolalaleyaaaah,” chanted Trey. “Umdoolalaleyaaah.”

  A mile out from the beach something stirred below the waves.

  Something big and green and scaly with lots and lots of teeth. You know the kind of thing: like a giant lizard-dragon monster deal.

  The only difference between regular giant lizard-dragon monsters and this one was that this one looked almost exactly like a kid called Rafe Khatchadorian. Here’s a pic of both side by side.

  See what I mean? I mean, I know that’s kind of random, but trust me, it’s important. Go with it.

  Anyway, this giant lizard-dragon monster that looked almost exactly like a kid called Rafe Khatchadorian came up out of the water and headed straight for Trey Kernigan’s beachside pad.

  “ROOOOOAAAAAARRRRRRR!!” roared the giant lizard-dragon monster stomping all over the beach umbrellas, the drink coolers…and Nate and Carol Urmgartssen who were visiting from Salt Lake City and who made the big mistake of thinking the giant lizard-dragon monster was some kind of Hollywood tourist attraction.

  Everyone else screamed and ran.

  Except Trey Kernigan. He had his eyes closed and his ears filled with the sound of Peruvian monk chants. It wasn’t until a shadow fell across him that Trey opened his eyes.

  And immediately wished he hadn’t.

  The giant lizard-dragon monster reached down with a slimy claw and lifted Trey Kernigan up by the scruff of his Armani dressing gown.

  “Why?” wailed Trey. “I’m just a harmless Hollywood teen superstar with perfect teeth and hair! I never hurt anyone! Why? WHY?”

  “Jeanne Galletta,” said the giant lizard-dragon monster.

  “Who?” said Trey as the giant lizard-dragon monster dropped the Hollywood teen heart-throb movie star into its mouth.

  “Doesn’t matter,” said the giant lizard-dragon monster as it scarfed Trey Kernigan down like a cheeseball and headed back to the ocean.

  YEAH, OKAY, I know. You’re way ahead of me.

  Trey Kernigan didn’t get eaten by any giant lizard-dragon. That was all in my head, just like you’d all figured out.

  I mean, Trey Kernigan’s real enough but all the rest was so much hooey. I’m guessing that if you’re reading this you probably know me well enough by now to know that I sometimes let my imagination run away with me. Or as Leo the Silent, my not-quite-imaginary brother,fn1 puts it: I’m nuts.

  And if you don’t know me, I’m Rafe Khatchadorian: middle schooler, artist, occasional dish pig at Swifty’s Diner.

  Anyway, for all I know, Trey Kernigan’s sucking down a seaweed and sable smoothie right now. Does anyone know what sable actually is, by the way? I’ve never met Trey Kernigan. I mean, I live in Hills Village, Nowheresville. How am I ever gonna meet a movie star? Hills Village hasn’t even got a movie theater.

  “So what was all that about Kernigan?”

  See? That’s what Leo does. He gets me back on track. Leo looks after me.

  The problem with Trey Kernigan is this: I flat out don’t like the dude.

  I know that might seem kind of weird seeing as how I don’t know him, but if you went to school one day and The Best Girl In The World (aka Jeanne Galletta) had Trey Kernigan’s photo taped to all her books and bags and stuff, what would you think?

  Exactly.

  To make things worse, Jeanne’s bestie, Molly Dufresne, told me Jeanne’s bedroom is totally covered with Trey posters, and Trey Kernigan is all Jeanne talks about. All the time.

  How does an average Joe like me compete with that?

  Well, I’ll tell you how: I can’t.

  Not unless I happen to be a giant mutant reptile who knows exactly where Trey Kernigan’s Malibu beach house is. Which I’m not and I don’t, so it’s back to dull old reality for R. Khatchadorian and the start of another ordinary, completely average, MASSIVELY sucky Hills Village Middle School week.

  OKAY, IF THERE’S one thing that could make a Monday morning at Hills Village Middle School better—besides a Snow Day, or an outbreak of bubonic plague, or something closing the whole place down—it’s the arrival of a new kid.

  New kids arriving at school always make things more interesting. For everyone else, that is. For the new kid, being “the new kid” is pretty close to being lunch at the lion enclosure. Fresh meat. I could almost feel the lions circling. Or Miller the Killer, anyway…which is pretty much the same thing. At least the new kid was a girl. Miller was a bit easier on girls.

  “This is Kristen Doe, everyone,” said Ms. Donatello, smiling brightly and pointing to a girl wearing black-framed glasses and looking like she’d rather be at the dentist. “I’m sure you’re all going to give Kristen a very warm Hills Village Middle School welcome.”

  There were a few grunts and a couple of laughs. Someone lobbed a ball of paper from the back of the class and it bounced off Kristen’s head. Everyone laughed and she turned bright red and started scribbling furiously in a little black notebook. I wondered what that was all about. While Ms. Donatello went to the back of the class to start her investigation into The Great Paper-Throwing Incident of 2016, I got up and walked over to the new kid.

  “Don’t mind those idiots,” I whispered. “We’re not all like that.”

  I wasn’t expecting much. Which was just as well, because I didn’t get much. But Kristen nodded.

  “Thanks,” she said in a voice about two decibels higher than a mouse’s burp. Up close she had amazing blue eyes hidden behind her glasses. I looked into them and felt—and look, I know how lame-o this is gonna sound—dizzy, like I’d stared into the sun too long. Kristen had eyes like an Icelandic glacier. Okay, the nearest I’d been to Iceland was watching a documentary on minke whale conservation (it was a dull TV night), but that’s what Kristen’s eyes reminded me of. Not minke whales—Icelandic glaciers.

  I knew right then that I would do everything in my power to be The Coolest Kid in Hills Village Middle School and impress Kristen more than she’d ever been impressed before.

  “No problem,” I said. “Any time.”

  It was a good start. A really good start. For once in my uncool life I’d stayed cool around a girl. I strolled back to my desk, and did that sort of pointy thing with your finger like a salute. Kristen smiled and I sat down.

  And farted.

  IT WAS A loud fart.

  Like MEGA LOUD. Like a jet engine had just started up loud. Like King Kong loud. Rock band loud. I could almost see the walls of the classroom vibrating.

  And long.

  So long. Way, way, way long. I mean, no one was timing it or anything, but I reckon this fart must have lasted about three days.

  Later on, of course, I figured out that it had been a fart of probably just above average length (and no, I don’t know the average length of time a fart lasts). But at the time it went on. And on. And on.

  And on.

  It was The Fart To End All Farts.

  When the last note finally died away there was a short, shocked silence. And then the whole class went nuts—and I mean, they totally, 100 percent lost it. They laughed, they screamed, they whooped, they hollered. I saw one kid laugh so much that snot came out his nose. Even Ms. Donatello looked like she was going to explode.

  Kristen looked at me and I felt every last shred of cool shrivel up and disappear like snowflakes on a red-hot griddle. Which, coincidentally, was the exact temperature of my face.

  Of course, it wasn’t me.

  I might be many things but a public farter isn’t one of them. What happened was that Miller the Killer had put a fart cushion on my chair…and then somehow managed to whip it back off while everyone was busy peeing themselves laughing.
r />   There was nothing I could do except sit there and watch my dignity drain away.

  Goodbye, dignity. So long, Kristen.

  TRYING TO IMPRESS a girl you like after being outed as a public farter—even when the whole thing was a total set-up by Miller—is difficult. In fact it’s pretty much impossible. Especially when the fart was The Fart To End All Farts. It was all HVMS was talking about. Someone even made a Facebook page: “Rafe’s Giant Fart.” I wouldn’t have been surprised to see it being turned into a movie.

  I decided to forget all about Kristen Doe.

  I’d become a hermit, go find a cave in Tibet, and think deep, wise thoughts about Life and all that kind of stuff. I’d grow a long beard and never see Kristen Doe ever again.

  But those glacier-blue eyes kept popping up. I mean, in my head—Kristen’s actual eyes didn’t. That would have been weird.

  No, what I mean is that those eyes did something unusual to me. They forced me to overcome the single greatest obstacle in a middle school kid’s life: embarrassment.

  You know what it’s like, right? Embarrassment mostly stops kids doing anything. But so powerful were Kristen’s eyes that only three days after the fart incident I got up enough courage to try again.

  It was at lunch. Kristen was sitting at a table not far from Losers Corner.

  Losers Corner? Every school has a Losers Corner, don’t they? It’s where the kids who aren’t real popular with the popular kids sit for lunch. I mean, who decides who gets to be popular? Do the popular kids get issued with special tickets or something when they arrive that first day at school?

  “Good morning, Susie Kendricks! Here’s your Popular Kid voucher. It entitles you to a mostly hassle-free school life and an easy ride. Lunch? Sure, sit anywhere you like, as long as you don’t go anywhere near Losers Corner, or talk to Rafe Khatchadorian.”