I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story Read online




  Begin Reading

  Table of Contents

  A Sneak Peek of House of Robots

  Copyright Page

  In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  For Serena Wetmore,

  Jamie’s biggest fan

  —JP

  PART ONE

  Finally, the Finals!

  Chapter 1

  START THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK

  Hi! I’m Jamie Grimm, and it’s great to be back in front of an audience. This way, when I die in three days, at least I won’t be alone.

  Let me explain.

  I’ve won a few rounds in something called the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest—the local, state, regional, and semifinal competitions. Now, in three days, I’ll be in THE FINALS out in Hollywood.

  I’m trying my best not to freak out.

  Unfortunately, everybody keeps reminding me of my impending doom.

  My friends at school.

  The cafeteria lady.

  Teachers, strangers—even the billboards in Times Square!

  My whole life has become this wild NCAA tournament of comedy. I’ve made it past the Sweet Sixteen all the way to the Elite Eight, where I’m hoping for a shot at the Final Four.

  Oh, in case you haven’t heard, that shot comes in THREE DAYS.

  But don’t worry—even if you don’t live in the Los Angeles area, you can watch me die. Live. On cable TV’s YUX channel.

  By the way, dying onstage is what comedians call it when they flop, tank, or bomb so badly they’re blasted with boos and pelted with week-old produce. It’s what I’ll probably be doing in, oh, maybe THREE DAYS!

  So cue the Olympic fanfare music.

  It all comes down to this, like they say on ESPN. It’s now or never. Do or die. This is for all the marbles, even though nobody actually plays marbles anymore. In three days, there will be no tomorrow, so who cares about the four-day forecast?

  Yep. This comedy gig is about to get super-serious. And, like I said, for this final Hollywood round, there are only eight of us still standing.

  Actually, the seven other kids will be doing all the standing. Me? Not so much.

  In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a stand-up comedian who doesn’t exactly fit the job description.

  Chapter 2

  SMILEYVILLE: THE TOWN WITH THE FROWN

  Meet the Smileys.

  That’s what I call my aunt, uncle, and cousins. I’ve been living with them in Long Beach, a suburb of New York City, ever since I left the rehab hospital I went to after the horrible car accident. The crash where I lost my parents and sister, not to mention the use of my legs, feet, and toes.

  See how excited the Smileys are about the big comedy contest coming in three days? Believe me, for them, this is excited.

  “Be sure you pack an extra pair of clean underwear for Hollywood,” says Mrs. Smiley.

  “And a toothbrush,” adds Mr. Smiley. “But don’t roll it up in your extra pair of underwear. I did that once and regretted my decision later.”

  Have you noticed that the Smileys don’t smile very much? That’s why I call them that. Even their dog, Ol’ Smiler, is gloomy. The last time he wagged his tail, it was to swat a fly.

  I roll out of my bedroom in the Smileys’ garage (it’s where they park all the stuff with wheels—lawn mower, wheelbarrow, snowblower, me) and head off to school. Since it’s pretty early in the morning, the sidewalks are full of dogs walking their people.

  Oh, sure—you might think the people are walking the dogs, but that’s not the way I see it.

  Come on, if two creatures are walking side by side and one is picking up the other’s poop, who do you think is in charge?

  The leash? That’s how dogs make sure their humans don’t wander away.

  I’m actually thinking about getting some dogs. Alaskan Malamutes. Six of ’em. They make such excellent sled dogs, I figure I could get to school a whole lot faster if I hooked up a sled team and yelled, “Mush!” Of course, with six dogs I’d probably need to carry a jumbo-sized pooper scooper.

  A couple of the dogs give me a sniff when I roll by, but most of the people are so well trained, they don’t even notice me.

  I’m sort of the Invisible Kid on the streets of Long Beach, where no one seems to be all that excited about the big comedy contest on cable TV in less than THREE DAYS!

  But at school, things are different.

  Way different.

  Chapter 3

  MIDDLE SCHOOL COOL? ME?

  OMG!” screeches this very cute girl who I think is (or should be) a cheerleader. “It’s Jamie Grimm!”

  Now all her friends start squealing, shrieking, and screaking. I half-expect the glass in the trophy case to shatter when one of their wails hits a note so high even Ol’ Smiler couldn’t hear it.

  “Have you really met Judy Nazemetz?” asks a swooning fan.

  Not one of my fans. This girl is crazy about Judy Nazemetz, another of the eight kid comics competing in the finals. Judy’s very nice and incredibly funny and already stars in her own Disney Channel sitcom called Judy, Judy, Judy!

  “Yeah,” I say. “We’ve been friends since the New York round of the competition.”

  “Do you know Ben, too?” gushes another girl, batting her eyes.

  Ben Baccaro is another comic in the Elite Eight. Maybe sixteen years old, Ben calls himself the Italian Scallion and always wears a tight white tee that shows off his bulging chest muscles, which, by the way, he wiggles badda-bing style every time he cracks a joke.

  “I haven’t met Ben,” I say. “Not yet. But he’ll be out in Hollywood with me.”

  And then I go deaf. Because two dozen girls scream in my ears.

  Even my old comic nemesis Vincent O’Neil, who used to tell everybody he was “a bazillion times funnier than Jamie Grimm,” is now a fan.

  “Here’s a joke you can borrow for Hollywood,” he says when we bump into each other in the hall.

  “Thanks, Vincent, but—”

  “So, how do you make a tissue dance?”

  I cringe a bit. “Put a little boogey in it?”

  “Oh, you already have that one. Excellent. Here’s another.”

  “Um, I’m really not doing joke book jokes anymore, Vincent. I’m trying to stick with observational—”

  “What did Winnie-the-Pooh say to his agent?”

  Okay. This one I don’t know. So I shrug.

  “Show me the honey!” booms Vincent. Now I wish I could un-know it. “Get it? ‘Show me the honey!’ Because usually movie stars say ‘Show me the money’ to their agent, but since Pooh is a bear…”

  “Right. Got it. Thanks.”

  “Feel free to use it. You don’t even have to split the one hundred thousand dollars with me when you win.”

  Did I forget to mention that?

  The grand-prize winner of the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest will take home a check for one hundred thousand dollars.

  In less than three days!

  Chapter 4

  MY BESTIES (FRIENDS, NOT JOKES)

  Now, if you ever hung out with me at school, you’d know my best friends are Gilda Gold, Joey Gaynor, and Jimmy Pierce.

  Gilda’s gutsy, smart, and funny. Knows more about classic comedians than even I do.

 
Gaynor? He’s a little edgier than most middle school kids—even the other ones with nose rings.

  And Pierce is a total brainiac. He knows everything, including the fact that it’s physically impossible for pigs to look up at the sky, so they’ll never know when one of their pals is flying.

  These three have been my buds through thick and thin and then thick again and then some more thin and then extra-thick. It’s kind of like we’re a pack of bacon.

  But lately…

  Well, I haven’t really had all that much time to hang with my friends. I’ve been, you know, busy. Working on new material. Packing all that clean underwear for the trip out to California. Wincing at cute cheerleaders squealing in my ears.

  Basically being a big shot.

  But for all the attention it’s gotten me, I’ve been thinking that this comedy gig was a lot more fun back when I was just cracking up Gilda, Gaynor, and Pierce around the losers’ table in the school cafeteria.

  Back then there weren’t any contests or ginormous cardboard checks to cash.

  Back then it was just fun being funny.

  Is it weird to miss the “good old days” when they were only, like, a couple of weeks ago?

  Maybe there is such a thing as too much fun. It’s kind of like too much ice cream. It feels great when you’re scarfing it down. Later, you feel kind of queasy.

  That’s what this is like.

  Kind of queasy.

  But I keep scarfing it down.

  Chapter 5

  CRAMMING FOR THE FINALS

  But, like I said, I don’t really have time to worry about missing my friends.

  That countdown clock keeps on ticking.

  After school, I zip down the boardwalk to my uncle Frankie’s diner to do my homework. Not for algebra or science—for Comedy 101.

  I’m cramming for The Finals the way most kids cram for finals.

  Uncle Frankie was the one who first suggested that I sign up for the comedy contest. He saw me cracking up his customers when I worked the cash register after school and on weekends. Back then I had a lot of jokes rattling around inside my head, because when I was in the rehab hospital after the accident, the doctors and nurses lent me all sorts of joke books and comedy videos. They all told me “Laughter is the best medicine.” Unless you have toe fungus. Then you should really ask for an ointment.

  Anyway, I think I memorized every classic comedy bit ever done. So, if a customer had a special request, I was always happy to oblige.

  By the way, my uncle Frankie is an excellent comedy coach. After all, he knows a thing or two about competitions. He used to be the yo-yo champion of Brooklyn and made it all the way to the World Yo-Yo Olympics, where he won a gold medal. It was on a string so he could twirl it.

  To help me get into “the zone,” Uncle Frankie—who has finals fever even worse than I do—has totally redecorated the interior of his restaurant. The walls are covered with photographs of famous comics and comedy album covers.

  “This is like the Comedians’ Hall of Fame,” says Uncle Frankie. “And we’re gonna leave a space right here in the middle for you, Jamie.”

  Uncle Frankie has even added some new sandwiches to the diner’s menu—all of them are named for famous comedians. The Lucille Ball is a meatball sub. The Jon Stewart comes with chunks of stew beef and a schmear of cream cheese. The Jerry Lewis? Lots of ham.

  “Hollywood, here we come!” says Uncle Frankie before we get down to practicing.

  Did I mention that Uncle Frankie is flying out to California with me?

  And while he’s out there, he’ll still be my comedy coach.

  Not to mention my best friend in the whole entire world.

  Chapter 6

  RINGING UP THE LAUGHS

  The intense cramming continues as Uncle Frankie, once again, puts me in the hot spot—behind the cash register.

  “Okay, folks,” he announces. “There are only two and nineteen-thirty-sixths days left till the first round of the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest finals. Everybody in line, pick a comic. Jamie? Ring ’em up and make ’em laugh.”

  I feel like a boxer working the speed bag. A football player running wind sprints. A guy playing croquet on horseback. No. Wait. That’s polo.

  “Rodney Dangerfield,” says the first customer in line.

  I tug at my collar, like Rodney would.

  “What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm. I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.”

  KA-CHING! The cash register bell gives me a rim shot.

  “Zach Galifianakis,” says Mr. Cheeseburger with Fries.

  “At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?”

  KA-CHING!

  And so it goes—straight through the dinner rush.

  Also in the line is one of my biggest fans, Mr. Burdzecki. He moved to America from Russia, so I always try to give him a classic Yakov Smirnoff joke.

  “In America, you find where is Waldo,” I say, putting on a Russian accent, so Waldo sounds like Valdo. “In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds where is YOU!”

  Mr. Burdzecki cracks up and nearly laughs his furry hat off.

  “Competition?” he says with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Pah! No contest. You funniest.”

  “I funniest?”

  “Da. First you funny, then you funnier, now you funniest.”

  (I think they’re studying comparatives and superlatives in his English as a Second Language class.)

  When the dinner crunch is finally over, it’s time for me to undertake the ultimate test of comedic endurance.

  To push my training to the limit, I need to face the toughest crowd any comedian has ever dared to perform in front of.

  That’s right. I’m heading home.

  It’s time to make the Smileys laugh (or at least smile).

  Chapter 7

  WANTED: FUNNY BONES, FAMILY-SIZED

  The Smileys, unfortunately, suffer from a rare genetic disorder called Idontgetit-itis.

  Okay. I made that up. But I kind of wish it did exist so I could host a telethon to cure it. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t make my aunt, uncle, and cousins laugh, chuckle, or giggle—even though I’m giving them surefire, can’t-miss stuff straight out of the Baby’s First Jokes joke book.

  These people don’t even titter. Come on—little birdies know how to titter.

  The Smileys? There’s not a tee-hee in the house.

  But I keep plowing ahead. I move into some of my own school-based material.

  “Today in the cafeteria, they served bean and bacon soup. I think an eighth grader got the bean.”

  Dead. Silence.

  Mrs. Smiley raises her hand.

  “Yes?” I say, hoping I’m not leaving flop-sweat stains all over her newly shampooed carpet.

  “There was only one bean in the soup? That doesn’t sound like a very good recipe, Jamie.”

  “Especially for a school,” says Mr. Smiley. “You’d think they would have worked out a better bean-to-student ratio.”

  “Well,” I say, “that’s kind of the joke. See, the name of the soup is bean and bacon, so it sounds like there’s only one bean. Tomorrow they’re serving chicken noodle. I hope I get the noodle.”

  Silence.

  Even deader.

  Wait. In the front yard. Yes. A bird just tittered.

  “There’s only one noodle in their chicken noodle soup?” says Mrs. Smiley. “My goodness, Jamie, what on earth is wrong with the cooks in that cafeteria?”

  Here’s a hint for all you budding comics: Telling the same joke twice with a slight revision seldom makes it any funnier.

  Ol’ Smiler grumbles and slumps to the floor. I think he’s trying to cover his ears with his paws.

  But I keep going, even though I’m dribbling sweat like Dwyane Wade dribbles a basketball—hard and fast.

  Mrs. Smiley raises her hand yet again.

  “Yes?”

  “I hav
e an idea, Jamie,” she says very politely.

  “Great. What is it?”

  “You should give us a signal. When you’re actually telling a joke, raise one of your arms or wiggle your fingers.”

  I just nod.

  And hope the judges out in Hollywood don’t ask me to do the same thing.

  Chapter 8

  LAUGH, TWO, THREE, FOUR

  Okay. All this cramming for the finals is making me feel like my head might explode and spew setups and punch lines all over the walls.

  I need a break—if only for ten minutes.

  Plus, I sort of feel sorry for the Smileys.

  They didn’t ask to have their home invaded by me, a would-be comic in a wheelchair. Mrs. Smiley just happened to be my mom’s baby sister. So, when Mom and Dad and my little sister, Jenny…

  We’ll skip that buzzkill. No need to bum us all out more than we’re bummed out already.

  Long story short, even though the Smileys don’t laugh or smile, I’ve actually learned to love ’em. They’re honest, hardworking, salt-of-the-earth-type people. Come to think of it, salt doesn’t laugh much, either. Except maybe on movie popcorn. Especially if the movie is Despicable Me.

  The Smileys were the first to lend a hand at the Good Eats by the Sea diner back when Uncle Frankie had a heart attack. Their older son, Stevie, actually pitched in and worked as a busboy, even though he would rather have been pitching me into a Dumpster.

  Cousin Stevie Kosgrov and me? We have a few “issues.” For instance, he’s the middle school bully and I’m his favorite target.

 

    Miracle at Augusta Read onlineMiracle at AugustaThe Store Read onlineThe StoreThe Midnight Club Read onlineThe Midnight ClubThe Witnesses Read onlineThe WitnessesThe 9th Judgment Read onlineThe 9th JudgmentAgainst Medical Advice Read onlineAgainst Medical AdviceThe Quickie Read onlineThe QuickieLittle Black Dress Read onlineLittle Black DressPrivate Oz Read onlinePrivate OzHomeroom Diaries Read onlineHomeroom DiariesGone Read onlineGoneLifeguard Read onlineLifeguardKill Me if You Can Read onlineKill Me if You CanBullseye Read onlineBullseyeConfessions of a Murder Suspect Read onlineConfessions of a Murder SuspectBlack Friday Read onlineBlack FridayManhunt Read onlineManhuntFilthy Rich Read onlineFilthy RichStep on a Crack Read onlineStep on a CrackPrivate Read onlinePrivatePrivate India Read onlinePrivate IndiaGame Over Read onlineGame OverPrivate Sydney Read onlinePrivate SydneyThe Murder House Read onlineThe Murder HouseMistress Read onlineMistressI, Michael Bennett Read onlineI, Michael BennettThe Gift Read onlineThe GiftThe Postcard Killers Read onlineThe Postcard KillersThe Shut-In Read onlineThe Shut-InThe House Husband Read onlineThe House HusbandThe Lost Read onlineThe LostI, Alex Cross Read onlineI, Alex CrossGoing Bush Read onlineGoing Bush16th Seduction Read online16th SeductionThe Jester Read onlineThe JesterAlong Came a Spider Read onlineAlong Came a SpiderThe Lake House Read onlineThe Lake HouseFour Blind Mice Read onlineFour Blind MiceTick Tock Read onlineTick TockPrivate L.A. Read onlinePrivate L.A.Middle School, the Worst Years of My Life Read onlineMiddle School, the Worst Years of My LifeCross Country Read onlineCross CountryThe Final Warning Read onlineThe Final WarningWord of Mouse Read onlineWord of MouseCome and Get Us Read onlineCome and Get UsSail Read onlineSailI Funny TV: A Middle School Story Read onlineI Funny TV: A Middle School StoryPrivate London Read onlinePrivate LondonSave Rafe! Read onlineSave Rafe!Swimsuit Read onlineSwimsuitSam's Letters to Jennifer Read onlineSam's Letters to Jennifer3rd Degree Read online3rd DegreeDouble Cross Read onlineDouble CrossJudge & Jury Read onlineJudge & JuryKiss the Girls Read onlineKiss the GirlsSecond Honeymoon Read onlineSecond HoneymoonGuilty Wives Read onlineGuilty Wives1st to Die Read online1st to DieNYPD Red 4 Read onlineNYPD Red 4Truth or Die Read onlineTruth or DiePrivate Vegas Read onlinePrivate VegasThe 5th Horseman Read onlineThe 5th Horseman7th Heaven Read online7th HeavenI Even Funnier Read onlineI Even FunnierCross My Heart Read onlineCross My HeartLet’s Play Make-Believe Read onlineLet’s Play Make-BelieveViolets Are Blue Read onlineViolets Are BlueZoo Read onlineZooHome Sweet Murder Read onlineHome Sweet MurderThe Private School Murders Read onlineThe Private School MurdersAlex Cross, Run Read onlineAlex Cross, RunHunted: BookShots Read onlineHunted: BookShotsThe Fire Read onlineThe FireChase Read onlineChase14th Deadly Sin Read online14th Deadly SinBloody Valentine Read onlineBloody ValentineThe 17th Suspect Read onlineThe 17th SuspectThe 8th Confession Read onlineThe 8th Confession4th of July Read online4th of JulyThe Angel Experiment Read onlineThe Angel ExperimentCrazy House Read onlineCrazy HouseSchool's Out - Forever Read onlineSchool's Out - ForeverSuzanne's Diary for Nicholas Read onlineSuzanne's Diary for NicholasCross Justice Read onlineCross JusticeMaximum Ride Forever Read onlineMaximum Ride ForeverThe Thomas Berryman Number Read onlineThe Thomas Berryman NumberHoneymoon Read onlineHoneymoonThe Medical Examiner Read onlineThe Medical ExaminerKiller Chef Read onlineKiller ChefPrivate Princess Read onlinePrivate PrincessPrivate Games Read onlinePrivate GamesBurn Read onlineBurn10th Anniversary Read online10th AnniversaryI Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story Read onlineI Totally Funniest: A Middle School StoryTaking the Titanic Read onlineTaking the TitanicThe Lawyer Lifeguard Read onlineThe Lawyer LifeguardThe 6th Target Read onlineThe 6th TargetCross the Line Read onlineCross the LineAlert Read onlineAlertSaving the World and Other Extreme Sports Read onlineSaving the World and Other Extreme Sports1st Case Read online1st CaseUnlucky 13 Read onlineUnlucky 13Haunted Read onlineHauntedCross Read onlineCrossLost Read onlineLost11th Hour Read online11th HourBookshots Thriller Omnibus Read onlineBookshots Thriller OmnibusTarget: Alex Cross Read onlineTarget: Alex CrossHope to Die Read onlineHope to DieThe Noise Read onlineThe NoiseWorst Case Read onlineWorst CaseDog's Best Friend Read onlineDog's Best FriendNevermore: The Final Maximum Ride Adventure Read onlineNevermore: The Final Maximum Ride AdventureI Funny: A Middle School Story Read onlineI Funny: A Middle School StoryNYPD Red Read onlineNYPD RedTill Murder Do Us Part Read onlineTill Murder Do Us PartBlack & Blue Read onlineBlack & BlueFang Read onlineFangLiar Liar Read onlineLiar LiarThe Inn Read onlineThe InnSundays at Tiffany's Read onlineSundays at Tiffany'sMiddle School: Escape to Australia Read onlineMiddle School: Escape to AustraliaCat and Mouse Read onlineCat and MouseInstinct Read onlineInstinctThe Black Book Read onlineThe Black BookLondon Bridges Read onlineLondon BridgesToys Read onlineToysThe Last Days of John Lennon Read onlineThe Last Days of John LennonRoses Are Red Read onlineRoses Are RedWitch & Wizard Read onlineWitch & WizardThe Dolls Read onlineThe DollsThe Christmas Wedding Read onlineThe Christmas WeddingThe River Murders Read onlineThe River MurdersThe 18th Abduction Read onlineThe 18th AbductionThe 19th Christmas Read onlineThe 19th ChristmasMiddle School: How I Got Lost in London Read onlineMiddle School: How I Got Lost in LondonJust My Rotten Luck Read onlineJust My Rotten LuckRed Alert Read onlineRed AlertWalk in My Combat Boots Read onlineWalk in My Combat BootsThree Women Disappear Read onlineThree Women Disappear21st Birthday Read online21st BirthdayAll-American Adventure Read onlineAll-American AdventureBecoming Muhammad Ali Read onlineBecoming Muhammad AliThe Murder of an Angel Read onlineThe Murder of an AngelThe 13-Minute Murder Read onlineThe 13-Minute MurderRebels With a Cause Read onlineRebels With a CauseThe Trial Read onlineThe TrialRun for Your Life Read onlineRun for Your LifeThe House Next Door Read onlineThe House Next DoorNYPD Red 2 Read onlineNYPD Red 2Ali Cross Read onlineAli CrossThe Big Bad Wolf Read onlineThe Big Bad WolfMiddle School: My Brother Is a Big, Fat Liar Read onlineMiddle School: My Brother Is a Big, Fat LiarPrivate Paris Read onlinePrivate ParisMiracle on the 17th Green Read onlineMiracle on the 17th GreenThe People vs. Alex Cross Read onlineThe People vs. Alex CrossThe Beach House Read onlineThe Beach HouseCross Kill Read onlineCross KillDog Diaries Read onlineDog DiariesThe President's Daughter Read onlineThe President's DaughterHappy Howlidays Read onlineHappy HowlidaysDetective Cross Read onlineDetective CrossThe Paris Mysteries Read onlineThe Paris MysteriesWatch the Skies Read onlineWatch the Skies113 Minutes Read online113 MinutesAlex Cross's Trial Read onlineAlex Cross's TrialNYPD Red 3 Read onlineNYPD Red 3Hush Hush Read onlineHush HushNow You See Her Read onlineNow You See HerMerry Christmas, Alex Cross Read onlineMerry Christmas, Alex Cross2nd Chance Read online2nd ChancePrivate Royals Read onlinePrivate RoyalsTwo From the Heart Read onlineTwo From the HeartMax Read onlineMaxI, Funny Read onlineI, FunnyBlindside (Michael Bennett) Read onlineBlindside (Michael Bennett)Sophia, Princess Among Beasts Read onlineSophia, Princess Among BeastsArmageddon Read onlineArmageddonDon't Blink Read onlineDon't BlinkNYPD Red 6 Read onlineNYPD Red 6The First Lady Read onlineThe First LadyTexas Outlaw Read onlineTexas OutlawHush Read onlineHushBeach Road Read onlineBeach RoadPrivate Berlin Read onlinePrivate BerlinThe Family Lawyer Read onlineThe Family LawyerJack & Jill Read onlineJack & JillThe Midwife Murders Read onlineThe Midwife MurdersMiddle School: Rafe's Aussie Adventure Read onlineMiddle School: Rafe's Aussie AdventureThe Murder of King Tut: The Plot to Kill the Child King Read onlineThe Murder of King Tut: The Plot to Kill the Child KingFirst Love Read onlineFirst LoveThe Dangerous Days of Daniel X Read onlineThe Dangerous Days of Daniel XHawk Read onlineHawkPrivate Delhi Read onlinePrivate DelhiThe 20th Victim Read onlineThe 20th VictimThe Shadow Read onlineThe ShadowKatt vs. Dogg Read onlineKatt vs. DoggThe Palm Beach Murders Read onlineThe Palm Beach Murders2 Sisters Detective Agency Read online2 Sisters Detective AgencyHumans, Bow Down Read onlineHumans, Bow DownYou've Been Warned Read onlineYou've Been WarnedCradle and All Read onlineCradle and All20th Victim: (Women’s Murder Club 20) (Women's Murder Club) Read online20th Victim: (Women’s Murder Club 20) (Women's Murder Club)Season of the Machete Read onlineSeason of the MacheteWoman of God Read onlineWoman of GodMary, Mary Read onlineMary, MaryBlindside Read onlineBlindsideInvisible Read onlineInvisibleThe Chef Read onlineThe ChefRevenge Read onlineRevengeSee How They Run Read onlineSee How They RunPop Goes the Weasel Read onlinePop Goes the Weasel15th Affair Read online15th AffairMiddle School: Get Me Out of Here! Read onlineMiddle School: Get Me Out of Here!Middle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill Read onlineMiddle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake HillFrom Hero to Zero - Chris Tebbetts Read onlineFrom Hero to Zero - Chris TebbettsG'day, America Read onlineG'day, AmericaMax Einstein Saves the Future Read onlineMax Einstein Saves the FutureThe Cornwalls Are Gone Read onlineThe Cornwalls Are GonePrivate Moscow Read onlinePrivate MoscowTwo Schools Out - Forever Read onlineTwo Schools Out - ForeverHollywood 101 Read onlineHollywood 101Deadly Cargo: BookShots Read onlineDeadly Cargo: BookShots21st Birthday (Women's Murder Club) Read online21st Birthday (Women's Murder Club)The Sky Is Falling Read onlineThe Sky Is FallingCajun Justice Read onlineCajun JusticeBennett 06 - Gone Read onlineBennett 06 - GoneThe House of Kennedy Read onlineThe House of KennedyWaterwings Read onlineWaterwingsMurder is Forever, Volume 2 Read onlineMurder is Forever, Volume 2Maximum Ride 02 Read onlineMaximum Ride 02Treasure Hunters--The Plunder Down Under Read onlineTreasure Hunters--The Plunder Down UnderPrivate Royals: BookShots (A Private Thriller) Read onlinePrivate Royals: BookShots (A Private Thriller)After the End Read onlineAfter the EndPrivate India: (Private 8) Read onlinePrivate India: (Private 8)Escape to Australia Read onlineEscape to AustraliaWMC - First to Die Read onlineWMC - First to DieBoys Will Be Boys Read onlineBoys Will Be BoysThe Red Book Read onlineThe Red Book11th hour wmc-11 Read online11th hour wmc-11Hidden Read onlineHiddenYou've Been Warned--Again Read onlineYou've Been Warned--AgainUnsolved Read onlineUnsolvedPottymouth and Stoopid Read onlinePottymouth and StoopidHope to Die: (Alex Cross 22) Read onlineHope to Die: (Alex Cross 22)The Moores Are Missing Read onlineThe Moores Are MissingBlack & Blue: BookShots (Detective Harriet Blue Series) Read onlineBlack & Blue: BookShots (Detective Harriet Blue Series)Airport - Code Red: BookShots Read onlineAirport - Code Red: BookShotsKill or Be Killed Read onlineKill or Be KilledSchool's Out--Forever Read onlineSchool's Out--ForeverWhen the Wind Blows Read onlineWhen the Wind BlowsHeist: BookShots Read onlineHeist: BookShotsMurder of Innocence (Murder Is Forever) Read onlineMurder of Innocence (Murder Is Forever)Red Alert_An NYPD Red Mystery Read onlineRed Alert_An NYPD Red MysteryMalicious Read onlineMaliciousScott Free Read onlineScott FreeThe Summer House Read onlineThe Summer HouseFrench Kiss Read onlineFrench KissTreasure Hunters Read onlineTreasure HuntersMurder Is Forever, Volume 1 Read onlineMurder Is Forever, Volume 1Secret of the Forbidden City Read onlineSecret of the Forbidden CityCross the Line: (Alex Cross 24) Read onlineCross the Line: (Alex Cross 24)Witch & Wizard: The Fire Read onlineWitch & Wizard: The FireWomen's Murder Club [06] The 6th Target Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [06] The 6th TargetCross My Heart ac-21 Read onlineCross My Heart ac-21Alex Cross’s Trial ак-15 Read onlineAlex Cross’s Trial ак-15Alex Cross 03 - Jack & Jill Read onlineAlex Cross 03 - Jack & JillLiar Liar: (Harriet Blue 3) (Detective Harriet Blue Series) Read onlineLiar Liar: (Harriet Blue 3) (Detective Harriet Blue Series)Cross Country ак-14 Read onlineCross Country ак-14Honeymoon h-1 Read onlineHoneymoon h-1Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment Read onlineMaximum Ride: The Angel ExperimentThe Big Bad Wolf ак-9 Read onlineThe Big Bad Wolf ак-9Dead Heat: BookShots (Book Shots) Read onlineDead Heat: BookShots (Book Shots)Kill and Tell Read onlineKill and TellAvalanche Read onlineAvalancheRobot Revolution Read onlineRobot RevolutionPublic School Superhero Read onlinePublic School Superhero12th of Never Read online12th of NeverMax: A Maximum Ride Novel Read onlineMax: A Maximum Ride NovelAll-American Murder Read onlineAll-American MurderMurder Games Read onlineMurder GamesRobots Go Wild! Read onlineRobots Go Wild!My Life Is a Joke Read onlineMy Life Is a JokePrivate: Gold Read onlinePrivate: GoldDemons and Druids Read onlineDemons and DruidsJacky Ha-Ha Read onlineJacky Ha-HaPostcard killers Read onlinePostcard killersPrincess: A Private Novel Read onlinePrincess: A Private NovelKill Alex Cross ac-18 Read onlineKill Alex Cross ac-1812th of Never wmc-12 Read online12th of Never wmc-12The Murder of King Tut Read onlineThe Murder of King TutI Totally Funniest Read onlineI Totally FunniestCross Fire ак-17 Read onlineCross Fire ак-17Count to Ten Read onlineCount to TenWomen's Murder Club [10] 10th Anniversary Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [10] 10th AnniversaryWomen's Murder Club [01] 1st to Die Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [01] 1st to DieI, Michael Bennett mb-5 Read onlineI, Michael Bennett mb-5Nooners Read onlineNoonersWomen's Murder Club [08] The 8th Confession Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [08] The 8th ConfessionPrivate jm-1 Read onlinePrivate jm-1Treasure Hunters: Danger Down the Nile Read onlineTreasure Hunters: Danger Down the NileWorst Case mb-3 Read onlineWorst Case mb-3Don’t Blink Read onlineDon’t BlinkThe Games Read onlineThe GamesThe Medical Examiner: A Women's Murder Club Story Read onlineThe Medical Examiner: A Women's Murder Club StoryBlack Market Read onlineBlack MarketGone mb-6 Read onlineGone mb-6Women's Murder Club [02] 2nd Chance Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [02] 2nd ChanceFrench Twist Read onlineFrench TwistKenny Wright Read onlineKenny WrightManhunt: A Michael Bennett Story Read onlineManhunt: A Michael Bennett StoryCross Kill: An Alex Cross Story Read onlineCross Kill: An Alex Cross StoryConfessions of a Murder Suspect td-1 Read onlineConfessions of a Murder Suspect td-1Second Honeymoon h-2 Read onlineSecond Honeymoon h-2Chase_A BookShot_A Michael Bennett Story Read onlineChase_A BookShot_A Michael Bennett StoryConfessions: The Paris Mysteries Read onlineConfessions: The Paris MysteriesWomen's Murder Club [09] The 9th Judgment Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [09] The 9th JudgmentAbsolute Zero Read onlineAbsolute ZeroNevermore: The Final Maximum Ride Adventure mr-8 Read onlineNevermore: The Final Maximum Ride Adventure mr-8Angel: A Maximum Ride Novel mr-7 Read onlineAngel: A Maximum Ride Novel mr-7Juror #3 Read onlineJuror #3Million-Dollar Mess Down Under Read onlineMillion-Dollar Mess Down UnderThe Verdict: BookShots (A Jon Roscoe Thriller) Read onlineThe Verdict: BookShots (A Jon Roscoe Thriller)The President Is Missing: A Novel Read onlineThe President Is Missing: A NovelWomen's Murder Club [04] 4th of July Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [04] 4th of JulyThe Hostage: BookShots (Hotel Series) Read onlineThe Hostage: BookShots (Hotel Series)$10,000,000 Marriage Proposal Read online$10,000,000 Marriage ProposalDiary of a Succubus Read onlineDiary of a SuccubusUnbelievably Boring Bart Read onlineUnbelievably Boring BartAngel: A Maximum Ride Novel Read onlineAngel: A Maximum Ride NovelStingrays Read onlineStingraysConfessions: The Private School Murders Read onlineConfessions: The Private School MurdersStealing Gulfstreams Read onlineStealing GulfstreamsWomen's Murder Club [05] The 5th Horseman Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [05] The 5th HorsemanZoo 2 Read onlineZoo 2Jack Morgan 02 - Private London Read onlineJack Morgan 02 - Private LondonTreasure Hunters--Quest for the City of Gold Read onlineTreasure Hunters--Quest for the City of GoldThe Christmas Mystery Read onlineThe Christmas MysteryMurder in Paradise Read onlineMurder in ParadiseKidnapped: BookShots (A Jon Roscoe Thriller) Read onlineKidnapped: BookShots (A Jon Roscoe Thriller)Triple Homicide_Thrillers Read onlineTriple Homicide_Thrillers16th Seduction: (Women’s Murder Club 16) (Women's Murder Club) Read online16th Seduction: (Women’s Murder Club 16) (Women's Murder Club)14th Deadly Sin: (Women’s Murder Club 14) Read online14th Deadly Sin: (Women’s Murder Club 14)Texas Ranger Read onlineTexas RangerWitch & Wizard 04 - The Kiss Read onlineWitch & Wizard 04 - The KissWomen's Murder Club [03] 3rd Degree Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [03] 3rd DegreeBreak Point: BookShots Read onlineBreak Point: BookShotsAlex Cross 04 - Cat & Mouse Read onlineAlex Cross 04 - Cat & MouseMaximum Ride Read onlineMaximum RideFifty Fifty: (Harriet Blue 2) (Detective Harriet Blue Series) Read onlineFifty Fifty: (Harriet Blue 2) (Detective Harriet Blue Series)Alex Cross 02 - Kiss the Girls Read onlineAlex Cross 02 - Kiss the GirlsThe President Is Missing Read onlineThe President Is MissingHunted Read onlineHuntedHouse of Robots Read onlineHouse of RobotsDangerous Days of Daniel X Read onlineDangerous Days of Daniel XTick Tock mb-4 Read onlineTick Tock mb-410th Anniversary wmc-10 Read online10th Anniversary wmc-10The Exile Read onlineThe ExilePrivate Games-Jack Morgan 4 jm-4 Read onlinePrivate Games-Jack Morgan 4 jm-4Burn: (Michael Bennett 7) Read onlineBurn: (Michael Bennett 7)Laugh Out Loud Read onlineLaugh Out LoudThe People vs. Alex Cross: (Alex Cross 25) Read onlineThe People vs. Alex Cross: (Alex Cross 25)Peril at the Top of the World Read onlinePeril at the Top of the WorldI Funny TV Read onlineI Funny TVMerry Christmas, Alex Cross ac-19 Read onlineMerry Christmas, Alex Cross ac-19#1 Suspect jm-3 Read online#1 Suspect jm-3Fang: A Maximum Ride Novel Read onlineFang: A Maximum Ride NovelWomen's Murder Club [07] 7th Heaven Read onlineWomen's Murder Club [07] 7th HeavenThe End Read onlineThe End