Middle School: Get Me Out of Here! Read online

  It turns out that even a semi-cruddy house in the city is worth something. Once we sold Grandma’s, it was enough to help pay the rent on our new place for a long time. We’re in an apartment now, not a house, but it’s big enough for all four of us. That means no more sleeping on the couch!

  I guess if there’s a bad part to all this, it would be Matty the Freak. I tried calling him again before we moved out of the city, but he never called me back.

  And you know what? That’s okay too. I had a lot of fun with Matty for a while there, but I don’t think he was ever a very good friend to begin with.

  Besides, maybe none of this good stuff would have happened if he hadn’t done what he did. So I can’t be completely mad about that either. I even got to put him on my Get a Life list—twice! Not only did I make a friend for the first time in middle school, but I also lost one for the first time. (Hey, getting a life is all about the good and the bad, right?)

  And yes, I still have my list. I’m up to 279 things now, and counting. Once I thought about it, I figured why stop at 195? Or ever? Sometimes Mom says life is just a work in progress, and that seems about right to me. I’m still working on getting a life, and MAYBE even turning myself into an artist. Who knows?

  Which brings me to the last, very best thing that happened.

  Swifty gave me something else I could add to my list that I’d never done before—my very own art show.

  Maybe it was because the pressure was off… I don’t know… but it didn’t even take me long to figure out what I wanted to do. In fact, it kind of seemed obvious once I thought about it.

  Turn the page and check it out.

  Everyone came to the opening reception at Swifty’s and ate a ton of pie. Jeanne brought her parents. Ms. Donatello brought her husband. Bigfoot Hairy brought chocolate cigars. Even a couple of my new teachers at Airbrook were there. It was a little embarrassing, but in another way it was also kind of the best night of my life.

  I mean… so far, anyway.

  FLOP SWEAT

  Have you ever done something extremely stupid like, oh, I don’t know, try to make a room filled with total strangers laugh until their sides hurt?

  Totally dumb, right?

  Well, that’s why my humble story is going to start with some pretty yucky tension—plus a little heavy-duty drama (and, hopefully, a few funnies so we don’t all go nuts).

  Okay, so how, exactly, did I get into this mess—up onstage at a comedy club, baking like a bag of French fries under a hot spotlight that shows off my sweat stains (including one that sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt), with about a thousand beady eyeballs drilling into me?

  A very good question that you ask.

  To tell you the truth, it’s one I’m asking, too!

  What am I, Jamie Grimm, doing here trying to win something called the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest?

  What was I thinking?

  But wait. Hold on. It gets even worse.

  While the whole audience stares and waits for me to say something (anything) funny, I’m up here choking.

  That’s right—my mind is a total and complete blank.

  And I just said, “No, I’m Jamie Grimm.”

  That’s the punch line. The end of a joke.

  All it needs is whatever comes before the punch line. You know—all the stuff I can’t remember.

  So I sweat some more. The audience stares some more.

  I don’t think this is how a comedy act is supposed to go. I’m pretty sure jokes are usually involved. And people laughing.

  “Um, hi.” I finally squeak out a few words. “The other day at school, we had this substitute teacher. Very tough. Sort of like Mrs. Darth Vader. Had the heavy breathing, the deep voice. During roll call, she said, ‘Are you chewing gum, young man?’ And I said, ‘No, I’m Jamie Grimm.’ ”

  I wait (for what seems like hours) and, yes, the audience kind of chuckles. It’s not a huge laugh, but it’s a start.

  Okay. Phew. I can tell a joke. All is not lost. Yet. But hold on for a sec. We need to talk about something else. A major twist to my tale.

  “A major twist?” you say. “Already?”

  Yep. And, trust me, you weren’t expecting this one.

  To be totally honest, neither was I.

  LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… ME!

  Hi.

  Presenting me. Jamie Grimm. The sit-down comic.

  So, can you deal with this? Some people can. Some can’t. Sometimes even I can’t deal with it (like just about every morning, when I wake up and look at myself in the mirror).

  But you know what they say: “If life gives you lemons, learn how to juggle.”

  Or, even better, learn how to make people laugh.

  So that’s what I decided to do.

  Seriously. I tried to teach myself how to be funny. I did a whole bunch of homework and read every joke book and joke website I could find, just so I could become a comedian and make people laugh.

  I guess you could say I’m obsessed with being a stand-up comic—even though I don’t exactly fit the job description.

  But unlike a lot of homework (algebra, you know I’m talking about you), this was fun.

  I got to study all the greats: Jon Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld, Kevin James, Ellen DeGeneres, Chris Rock, Steven Wright, Joan Rivers, George Carlin.

  I also filled dozens of notebooks with jokes I made up myself—like my second one-liner at the comedy contest.

  “Wow, what a crowd,” I say, surveying the audience. “Standing room only. Good thing I brought my own chair.”

  It takes a second, but they laugh—right after I let them know it’s okay, because I’m smiling, too.

  This second laugh? Well, it’s definitely bigger than that first chuckle. Who knows—maybe I actually have a shot at winning this thing.

  So now I’m not only nervous, I’m pumped!

  I really, really, really (and I mean really) want to take my best shot at becoming the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic.

  Because, in a lot of ways, my whole life has been leading up to this one sweet (if sweaty) moment in the spotlight!

  WELCOME TO MY WORLD

  But, hey, I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

  We should probably go back to the beginning—or at least a beginning.

  So let’s check out a typical day in my ordinary, humdrum life in Long Beach, a suburb of New York City—back before my very strange appearance at the Ronkonkoma Comedy Club.

  Here’s me, just an average kid on an average day in my average house as I open our average door and head off to an average below-average school.

  Zombies are everywhere.

  Well, that’s what I see. You might call ’em “ordinary people.” To me, these scary people stumbling down the sidewalks are the living dead!

  A pack of brain-numb freaks who crawl out of the ground every morning and shuffle off to work. They’re waving at me, grunting “Hul-lo, Ja-mie!” I wave and grunt back.

  So what streets do my freaky zombie friends like best? The dead ends, of course.

  Fortunately, my neighbors move extremely slowly (lots of foot-dragging and Frankenstein-style lurching). So I never really have to worry about them running me down to scoop out my brains like I’m their personal pudding cup.

  There’s this one zombie I see almost every morning. He’s usually dribbling his coffee and eating a doughnut.

  “Do zombies eat doughnuts with their fingers?” you might ask.

  No. They usually eat their fingers separately.

  The school crossing guard? She can stop traffic just by holding up her hand. With her other hand.

  Are there really zombies on my way to school every morning?

  Of course there are! But only inside my head. Only in my wild imagination. I guess you could say I try to see the funny side of any situation. You should try it sometime. It makes life a lot more interesting.

  So how did I end up here in this zombified suburb not too far from New York City?
>
  Well, that, my friends, is a very interesting story….

  A STRANGER IN AN EVEN STRANGER LAND

  I moved to Long Beach on Long Island only a couple months ago from a small town out in the country. I guess you could say I’m a hick straight from the sticks.

  To make my long story a little shorter, Long Beach isn’t my home, and I don’t think it ever will be. Have you ever felt like you don’t fit in? That you don’t belong where you are but you’re sort of stuck there? Well, that’s exactly how I feel each and every day since I moved to Long Beach.

  Moving to a brand-new town also means I have to face a brand-new bunch of kids, and bullies, at my brand-new school.

  Now, like all the other schools I’ve ever attended, the hallways of Long Beach Middle School are plastered with all sorts of NO BULLYING posters. There’s only one problem: Bullies, it turns out, don’t read too much. I guess reading really isn’t a job requirement in the high-paying fields of name-calling, nose-punching, and atomic-wedgie-yanking.

  You want to know the secret to not getting beat up at school?

  Well, I don’t really have scientific proof or anything, but, in my experience, comedy works. Most of the time, anyway.

  That’s right: Never underestimate the power of a good laugh. It can stop some of the fiercest middle-school monsters.

  For instance, if you hit your local bully with a pretty good joke, he or she might be too busy laughing to hit you back. It’s true: Punch lines can actually beat punches because it’s pretty hard for a bully to give you a triple nipple cripple if he’s doubled over, holding his sides, and laughing his head off.

  So every morning, before heading off to school, just make sure you pack some good jokes along with your lunch. For instance, you could distract your bully with a one-liner from one of my all-time favorite stand-up comics, Steven Wright: “Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID, he just whipped out a quarter?”

  If that doesn’t work, go with some surefire Homer Simpson: “Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

  All I’m saying is that laughing is healthy. A lot healthier than getting socked in the stomach. Especially if you had a big breakfast.

  Read more in

  I FUNNY

  Coming December 10, 2012!

  BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON

  for Readers of All Ages

  The Witch & Wizard Novels

  Witch & Wizard (with Gabrielle Charbonnet)

  The Gift (with Ned Rust)

  The Fire (with Jill Dembowski)

  The Maximum Ride Novels

  The Angel Experiment

  School’s Out—Forever

  Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

  The Final Warning

  MAX

  FANG

  ANGEL

  The Daniel X Novels

  The Dangerous Days of Daniel X (with Michael Ledwidge)

  Watch the Skies (with Ned Rust)

  Demons and Druids (with Adam Sadler)

  Game Over (with Ned Rust)

  The Middle School Novels

  Middle School, The Worst Years of My Life (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: Get Me out of Here! (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Illustrated Novels

  Daniel X: Alien Hunter (graphic novel; with Leopoldo Gout)

  Daniel X: The Manga, Vols. 1 – 2 (with SeungHui Kye)

  Maximum Ride: The Manga, Vols. 1 – 5 (with NaRae Lee)

  Witch & Wizard: The Manga, Vols. 1 – 2 (with Svetlana Chmakova)

  For previews of upcoming books in these series and other information, visit www.maximumride.com, www.daniel-x.com, www.witchandwizard.com, and www.middleschoolbook.com.

  For more information about the author, visit www.JamesPatterson.com.

  CONTENTS

  WELCOME

  THE AUTHORS WOULD LIKE TO THANK

  CHAPTER 1: WHOOM!

  CHAPTER 2: MOVING DAY

  CHAPTER 3: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

  CHAPTER 4: MY TOP TEN (ACTUALLY ONLY SIX)

  CHAPTER 5: WELCOME TO THE BIG CITY!

  CHAPTER 6: SMALL AND FULL

  CHAPTER 7: A NIGHT ON THE TOWN

  CHAPTER 8: TIME OUT

  CHAPTER 9: MOM THROWS A CURVEBALL

  CHAPTER 10: THE RETURN OF THE DRAGON LADY

  CHAPTER 11: THE INTERVIEW

  CHAPTER 12: IN

  CHAPTER 13: GREETINGS FROM THE BIG CITY!

  CHAPTER 14: TWENTY-TWO HOURS AND FORTY-NINE MINUTES LATER (NOT THAT I WAS COUNTING OR ANYTHING)

  CHAPTER 15: THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE

  CHAPTER 16: FIRST DAY ON PLANET CATHEDRAL

  CHAPTER 17: THE BIG CATCH (AND I DON’T MEAN FISH)

  CHAPTER 18: THE STUFF OF ART

  CHAPTER 19: WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA?

  CHAPTER 20: CRIT-ICAL CONDITION

  CHAPTER 21: BATHROOM BLUES

  CHAPTER 22: REVENGE IS SWEET (AND WET)

  CHAPTER 23: OPERATION: GET A LIFE

  CHAPTER 24: GREAT, BAD, WORSE

  CHAPTER 25: THE CRAWLEY

  CHAPTER 26: COVERT OPS

  CHAPTER 27: TIPS FOR SURVIVAL

  CHAPTER 28: MY NEW LIFE, STEP 1

  CHAPTER 29: LEO TURNS UP THE HEAT

  CHAPTER 30: ANOTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT IT

  CHAPTER 31: WELCOME TO DUMPSTER DIVING

  CHAPTER 32: THE BIG PICTURE

  CHAPTER 33: QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS

  CHAPTER 34: SCARY HAIRY

  CHAPTER 35: SPILLING (SOME OF) THE BEANS

  CHAPTER 36: BEST. DAY. EVER!

  CHAPTER 37: DOTTY ON THE LINE

  CHAPTER 38: HERE WE GO AGAIN

  CHAPTER 39: W-A-R

  CHAPTER 40: RE-REVENGE

  CHAPTER 41: A REALLY GOOD PLAN

  CHAPTER 42: OPERATION: ART-NAP

  CHAPTER 43: EVERYTHING I DESERVED, AND THEN SOME

  CHAPTER 44: RAFE KHATCHADORIAN, WORST SON EVER

  CHAPTER 45: HOW RAFE SURVIVED HIS IN-SCHOOL SUSPENSION

  CHAPTER 46: THE NEXT-BEST THING

  CHAPTER 47: HAPPY HOLIDAZE

  CHAPTER 48: GO BIG OR GO HOME

  CHAPTER 49: STAKEOUT!

  CHAPTER 50: NABBED!

  CHAPTER 51: NOT RIGHT NOW

  CHAPTER 52: THIRTY-TWO TRILLION AND COUNTING

  CHAPTER 53: FIVE-DOLLAR POSTCARDS, SOME GUY NAMED MONDRIAN, AND A FEW OTHER THINGS THAT WENT OVER MY HEAD

  CHAPTER 54: BIG-CITY TAKEDOWN!

  CHAPTER 55: NOT IT

  CHAPTER 56: MAD MATTY

  CHAPTER 57: THE FIRST PART OF THE WORST PART

  CHAPTER 58: THE REST OF THE WORST

  CHAPTER 59: I’M OUT OF HERE

  CHAPTER 60: JUST PASSING THROUGH

  CHAPTER 61: ON THE ROAD AGAIN

  CHAPTER 62: HEY, IF YOU HAD TO RIDE A HOT AND SMELLY BUS ALL THE WAY BACK TO HILLS VILLAGE, YOU’D START MAKING STUFF UP TOO

  CHAPTER 63: I’M BAAAAAACK!

  CHAPTER 64: SLEEPOVER

  CHAPTER 65: TRUTH

  CHAPTER 66: TIME OUT

  CHAPTER 67: TALL STACK

  CHAPTER 68: MY HAPPY(ISH) ENDING

  A PREVIEW OF I FUNNY: A MIDDLE SCHOOL STORY

  BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2012 by James Patterson

  Illustrations by Laura Park

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contactin
g the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Little, Brown and Company

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

  www.hachettebookgroup.com

  First e-book edition: May 2012

  Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

  ISBN 978-0-316-20670-9

  Table of Contents

  WELCOME

  THE AUTHORS WOULD LIKE TO THANK:

  CHAPTER 1: WHOOM!

  CHAPTER 2: MOVING DAY

  CHAPTER 3: OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

  CHAPTER 4: MY TOP TEN (ACTUALLY ONLY SIX)

  CHAPTER 5: WELCOME TO THE BIG CITY!

  CHAPTER 6: SMALL AND FULL

  CHAPTER 7: A NIGHT ON THE TOWN

  CHAPTER 8: TIME OUT

  CHAPTER 9: MOM THROWS A CURVEBALL

  CHAPTER 10: THE RETURN OF THE DRAGON LADY

  CHAPTER 11: THE INTERVIEW

  CHAPTER 12: IN

  CHAPTER 13: GREETINGS FROM THE BIG CITY!

  CHAPTER 14: TWENTY-TWO HOURS AND FORTY-NINE MINUTES LATER (NOT THAT I WAS COUNTING OR ANYTHING)

  CHAPTER 15: THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE

  CHAPTER 16: FIRST DAY ON PLANET CATHEDRAL

  CHAPTER 17: THE BIG CATCH (AND I DON’T MEAN FISH)

  CHAPTER 18: THE STUFF OF ART

  CHAPTER 19: WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA?

  CHAPTER 20: CRIT-ICAL CONDITION

  CHAPTER 21: BATHROOM BLUES

  CHAPTER 22: REVENGE IS SWEET (AND WET)

  CHAPTER 23: OPERATION: GET A LIFE

  CHAPTER 24: GREAT, BAD, WORSE

  CHAPTER 25: THE CRAWLEY

  CHAPTER 26: COVERT OPS

  CHAPTER 27: TIPS FOR SURVIVAL

  CHAPTER 28: MY NEW LIFE, STEP 1