Dog Diaries Read online

  SERIOUS VOICE? She should be using her happy voice! Ruff and I were going to ACE the dog show.

  I crept to the door and listened. At first I couldn’t understand what she was talking to Ruff about, but then… then… I heard her say one of the scariest words in the whole universe.

  It’s a TERRIBLE, UGLY word that makes my fur stand on end and my stomach gurgle with nervousness.

  Mom-Lady said the V word…

  v…v…vet!!!

  What was going on?! I thought I’d been a good boy? Why would Mom-Lady want to punish me by taking me to the v… v… VET CLINIC?!

  That’s not all… She was planning for the veterinarian to… to…

  MICROCHIPPED? I don’t want to be turned into micro chips!

  How could Mom-Lady do this? Why would she do it?

  In all my doggy nightmares I NEVER imagined I’d end up being cut up into tiny little crispy pieces and put in foil bags for humans to snack on!!!! What if it hurts? WHAT IF I END UP SOUR CREAM AND ONION FLAVOR?

  8:45 p.m.

  Okay… so I may have gotten a little bit carried away. After hearing the awful news that Mom-Lady was planning to turn me into a crispy snack, I pooped in her sneakers by the front door and went to cower under Ruff’s bed.

  I was devastated, and it didn’t take Ruff long to figure out that something was seriously wrong.

  He kept trying to coax me out with handfuls of Oinky-Pig-Puffs but I wasn’t going to be caught that easily. I couldn’t figure out why he was so calm. He should be sobbing and pooping in every shoe he could find! Didn’t he care that his BESTEST pooch-pal in the whole world was going to be chipped?

  After a few hours of extra-whimpery whimpering, my stomach finally got the better of me and I crawled out to eat the now massive pile of treats.

  If I was going to be chopped up into little pieces, I might as well enjoy one last feast, right?

  Anyway… I had gotten it all wrong. After I’d quietly eaten all the food Ruff had put by the bed for me, he scooped me up and we sat down together to watch Robo-Bandits on the picture box. It’s one of our favorites usually.

  I wasn’t really watching until I heard that word again and pricked up my ears.

  How could I be so stupid? Mom-Lady wasn’t talking about potato chips! She was talking about having me turned into a crime-fighting robot dog, which sounds… which sounds… AMAZING!!!

  I’ll be the coolest dog in the whole of Hills Village and able to beat Stricker and Duchess with my amazing new robo-bilities.

  Just think of it, my person-pal!

  Now, I don’t know exactly what the outcome of getting microchipped is, but I bet it’s going to look something like this…

  Things have taken a real turn for the better. This must be the first time I’ve EVER been excited to visit the vet clinic in my life. HA!

  Right, I’d better get to bed. The faster I’m asleep, the faster I’ll be a mechanical slobber-tron. AAAAGH! I can’t wait!!

  Thursday

  9:08 a.m.

  Here we go, my furless friend. Ruff has left the kennel for school and Mom-Lady and I are in the moving people-box on wheels, heading to the veterinarian. I’m so excited I want to stick my head out the window and howl!

  9:37 a.m.

  We’re here! Agh! I can’t believe this is actually happening. All I can do is think about how happy it’ll make Ruff to be the pet of a real-life robo-pooch. It’s going to be TERRIFIC!

  1p.m.

  Okay… that was a disappointment. It turns out that getting microchipped is pretty boring after all. It was just a weensy thing they stuck into the back of my neck with a tiny poking device. I barely felt a thing… And I haven’t noticed any new robot powers.

  Oh well, the vet was a friendly human lady who gave me a sausage stick for being a good boy, so it’s not all bad, I guess.

  I was so looking forward to blasting Stricker to smithereens with my laser-beam eyes, though… Hmph.

  5 p.m.

  This is all taking too long now! Come on, come on, come on!!

  Laser-beam eyes or not, I can’t wait to win the Basic (AMAZING) Beginners (TALENT) section and see Stricker’s face when we beat her dog Duchess.

  Friday

  8:45 p.m.

  AAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!! I can’t wait any longer!!

  I’m so excited to go to the dog show, I think I might burst.

  I don’t know what to do with myself!

  It’s sooooo close I can almost…

  Saturday

  7:28 a.m.

  Uhhh… I must have nodded off.

  YAHOOOOOOO!!!

  It’s here, my person-pal! You stayed with me all the way through my day-to-day doggy diary and now we’ve finally reached the grand finale.

  THE DEBONAIR

  DANDY-DOG SHOW!!

  Now give me a little private time if you don’t mind, old friend. I’ve gotta brave the drippy water box in the Rainy Poop Room so I can look as much like a DASHINGLY POLISHED POOCH as I can.

  I’m not taking any chances…

  8 a.m.

  Hey… where’d all this extra fur come from? And what’s that strange smell?

  Oh… that’s what CLEAN smells like…

  9:30 a.m.

  WOW! I’ve never seen anything like this! The Debonair Dandy-Dog Show is MASSIVE! It’s filled the whole of Hills Village Community Center and OH BOY are there some interesting smells drifting my way.

  There are dogs and their pet humans everywhere and, for as far as my eyes can see, there are shops and stalls selling doggy fashion, beds, grooming kits, pictures, and CHEW TOYS!! I swear I just saw Lola and Genghis getting pooch pedicures!

  And… DRUMROLL, PLEASE… there’s even the world’s largest can of Meaty-Giblet-Jumble-Chum, and people are having their pictures taken in front of it!! IT’S A CANINE CARNIVAL!

  9:42 a.m.

  This place is amazing! You should see it, my furless friend. I just led Ruff along a whole aisle of food stalls on our way to the competition ring and I could barely stop myself from drooling.

  The human stalls were boring…

  But there were special stalls just for dogs as well. Now those ones were anything but boring!

  Note to self: Definitely stop back here after you’re crowned the winner of the dog show… although steer clear of the hot dog stand. I’m not sure about that one. It smelled like… I can’t put my paw on it…

  9:53 a.m.

  Ugh! It’s so nearly time to impress the whole world with my great tricks, I’m struggling to keep my tail-wagging under control.

  Just… so… exciting!

  9:56 a.m.

  And we’re here… The Basic (Amazing) Beginners (Talent) category is competing in the Grand Competition Ring, right at the center of the dog show. It feels like the entire universe has turned up to watch.

  Odin and Diego are competing, too. TREMENDOUS!

  There’s so much to take in, I can hardly believe what I’m seeing.

  And look… I snatched a map from under someone’s seat so you can see for yourself.

  9:58 a.m.

  Blarg! SMUG ALERT!! Look who’s just shown up…

  I swear I’ve never seen a more pompous pooch or pukish person-pet.

  9:59 a.m.

  Only one minute to go, my person-pal. It’s been such a pleasure getting to know you, it really has.

  Okay… wish me luck… I’ll let you know how it goes on the other side…

  11:47 a.m.

  HA HA! THAT WAS AMAZING! You should have seen me, my person-pal. I AM THE CHAMPION!!

  Okay… that’s not completely true, but I’m a sort-of-champion and that’s just as GOOD, if you ask me!

  I’ll explain… ten a.m. rolled around and all the dogs competing in the Basic (AMAZING) Beginners (TALENT) category were invited into the Grand Competition Ring with their pet humans.

  There were so many people crowded around the edges, I started to get more and more nervous, but the sight of Stricker and her hau
ghty hound, Duchess, forced me to keep my cool.

  I wasn’t about to let those two win and wind up back at Hills Village Dog Shelter.

  At first it started pretty simply. The judges gave commands to our pet humans from their table at the front, then—one by one—our pet humans gave the same command to us dogs, and we had to perform it.

  No worries there.

  We sat, we lay down, we rolled over, we spun around in circles, and we fetched things… yada-yada-yada. Now that I understood I was supposed to do as I was told, it was all really easy… and… well… BORING!

  I know what you’re thinking. You’re reading this and saying to yourself: “NO! JUNIOR! CONCENTRATE!”

  Well, I hate to break it to you, my furless friend, my mind wandered and I messed up the Basic (AMAZING) Beginners (TALENT) trial BIG TIME… and…

  I WAS STUPENDOUS!!

  We were nearly finished and I was doing great. I have to hand it to Dainty Duchess and her pet, Stricker. That is one terrifically trained poodle, and they were doing super well, too—not quite as good as Ruff and me… but close.

  Anyway, just as the last “play dead” test was coming up, I caught sight of the agility course over on the next competition ring from us.

  It looked so much more fun than what we were doing.

  Dogs were hurtling around what looked like a humongous JUNGLE GYM!

  I remember thinking: I wish I was over there with those guys. That’s when I looked down and noticed that I was running at breakneck speed.

  I don’t know what happened!!

  You remember I talked about doggy instincts earlier in the book? Well, if there’s one thing you should know about that kind of stuff, it’s that WHEN YOU FEEL THE URGE TO RUN OFF IN SEARCH OF MORE FUN, YOU JUST GOTTA GO WITH IT!

  I heard Ruff’s voice yelling behind me, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself.

  I tore out of the grand ring and raced through the crowds of people in the direction of ALL THAT FUN AND EXCITEMENT.

  It was at about that moment, as I was darting between people’s legs, I noticed Odin was careening alongside me, knocking busy humans flying in all directions. He was grinning and flopping his tongue from side to side, and Diego was hanging on for dear life from one of his big brother’s ears.

  A pang of happiness exploded in my belly. If I’d messed this all up and was going to be hauled back to pooch prison, it felt good to be doing it with my buddies in tow.

  “MOVE!”

  Something fluffy barged past and shoved me aside. I looked round in shock to see Duchess tearing past me.

  “Freedom!” she howled over her shoulder as she reached the entrance to the agility ring. “AT LAST!”

  Ha ha! I don’t think I’ve ever had such a fun, rambunctious, noisy, run-abouty afternoon in all my doggy days.

  As you know… if one dog bolts across open ground, all dogs have to follow.You should have seen the looks on some of the competitors’ faces as thirty hysterically excited dogs flooded onto the agility course and started leaping all over the place.

  It was POOCH-A-LICIOUS, my person-pal. IT WAS BARK-TASTIC!

  The well-behaved-little-dog voice inside my head told me to stop and go back to Ruff and be a GOOD BOY, but the second little-dog voice inside my head—the naughty one—told me that if Duchess was here, having fun with all the other mutts, then I should keep having the time of my life. After all, if Stricker reported me to Hills Village Dog Shelter, we could report her dog, too… HA HA!

  On I went…

  Diving over ramps!

  Jumping through hoops!

  Bounding through tunnels!

  Hurdling high bars!

  Stumbling over seesaws!

  It was wonderful!

  But that’s also when our humans caught up with us.

  Before I had time to wriggle free, Ruff grabbed at my collar and clipped the leash to it.

  “Junior?!” he panted. “What have you done? It’s all ruin—”

  Ruff didn’t even have time to finish his sentence before Stricker burst into the agility ring and roared…

  Ha ha! I’ve never seen a human look so angry. Stricker’s whole body was shaking with rage. It looked like she might go off like a volcano in a cardigan!

  “COME HERE NOW, DUCHESS, YOU ROTTEN MONGREL!”

  What happened next is going to make you wet your pants with joy, my person-pal.

  It turns out that Duchess was completely over being a polite pampered pedigree, and now she’d had a taste of freedom, there was no way she was turning back.

  The judges who’d been watching our Basic Beginners course had now made their way over and were all staring in disbelief at the canine carnage taking place.

  “Duchess…” Stricker was now trying out a fake happy voice, but any dog with half a brain can sniff out one of those in a jiffy. “Duchy-Poo, come to Mommy.”

  Everybody held their breath to see what would happen next.

  Don’t forget that Iona Stricker and her now rebellious poodle—a rebel-oodle?—had been Best in Show winners for years.

  Duchess the Wonder-Poo had NEVER misbehaved before.

  “COME HERE!” Stricker screamed, losing her fake cool. “NOOOOOOOOW!”

  “NOT ON YOUR LIFE, YOU BOSSY OLD CAT LOVER!” Duchess shouted at her human. Naturally, none of the people watching understood this, but all of us dogs did and it felt GREAT to hear.

  With that, Duchess spun around in a full circle, then took a poop on the top end of the teeter-totter, while the audience gasped in dismay. HA HA!

  And so… that was that… The fun had to end at some point, I guess.

  After a few seconds the judges made up their minds and announced…

  Well, you didn’t think they were going to crown me champion after causing all that fuss, did you? Ha! Nope, I became a different sort of champion today.

  SO… LET’S GET TO THE GRAND FINALE!

  Once all the excitement had died down and most of the humans had taken their pooch-pals off for a spot of shopping, there was just me, Ruff, and Stricker left in the ring. (Duchess had run off to the food stalls to snatch up a few leftovers.)

  “My aunt was right about you!” Stricker snapped at Ruff. I swear I could see smoke coming out of her nostrils. “You are just an uncouth, bad-mannered, unimpressive WASTE OF TIME!”

  She was practically foaming at the mouth as she slowly stalked toward us.

  “You may have tempted my darling Duchy-Poo over to the naughty side of the fence, BUT YOU STILL DIDN’T WIN ANYTHING! YOU AND YOUR DOG ARE ZERO, LOSER NOBODIES!”

  And that’s when I spotted she had stepped on the lowered end of the closest seesaw. I looked up and searched for Odin in the crowd, but immediately saw he’d spotted it, too, and was charging toward us.

  It happened in a strange kind of slow motion. Odin leaped into the air and I joined him. We came thumping down on the other end of the seesaw and…

  Well, let’s just say old Stricker is going to be smelling of Meaty-Giblet-Jumble-Chum for quite a while.

  10:30 p.m.

  Ah, my person-pal, you’ve reached the last teensy part of my story.

  Wasn’t it great?

  Well, it’s not over yet! There’s one last detail I haven’t told you…

  It turns out that the Debonair Dandy-Dog Show has a special novelty prize each year for the worst-trained dog, and you are holding the diary of that AWESOME, UNCONTROLLABLE POOCH in your hands.

  I’m sitting here on the comfy squishy thing in the Picture Box Room surrounded by a year’s supply of Meaty-Giblet-Jumble-Chum!!

  Ha ha! RULES AREN’T FOR EVERYBODY!

  Wait till you see what I’m up to next week!! Now, get out of here… I want to be alone with my feast!!

  Happy pooching…

  Junior x

  How to speak Doglish

  A human’s essential guide to speaking paw-fect Doglish!

  PEOPLE

  Peoplish: Owner

  Doglish: Pet h
uman

  Peoplish: Grandma

  Doglish: Grandmoo

  Peoplish: Grandpa

  Doglish: Grand-paw

  Peoplish: Mom

  Doglish: Mom-Lady

  Peoplish: Georgia

  Doglish: Jawjaw

  Peoplish: Rafe

  Doglish: Ruff

  Peoplish: Khatchadorian

  Doglish: Catch-A-Doggy-Bone

  PLACES

  Peoplish: House

  Doglish: Kennel

  Peoplish: Bedroom

  Doglish: Sleep room

  Peoplish: Kitchen

  Doglish: Food room

  Peoplish: Bathroom

  Doglish: Rainy poop room

  Peoplish: Hills Village Dog Shelter

  Doglish: Pooch prison

  THINGS

  Peoplish: Shower