Witch & Wizard Read online

  It looks like he’s going to give a speech, which will definitely put me over the edge. I mean, it’s bad enough that his evil puss is going to be among the last things we Allgoods see, but now his words are going to be among the last things we hear.

  That is, unless this vague but growing feeling I have is in fact some sort of witch’s intuition. See, I have this weird sensation that at the last moment we’re going to find a way out of this horrible, unspeakable situation… and live to fight on, and hopefully have something to do with bringing goodness and prosperity to all, aka Prophecy Six.

  But that moment isn’t here yet. In this moment, there’s just quiet.

  How can a hundred thousand people be so absolutely quiet?

  So quiet you can hear the faint breeze riffling through the stadium.

  So quiet there’s nothing to do but be scared, really scared.

  So, how are you doing—wherever you are? Listen, please: seize the moment, however worried you may be about what’s coming next. It’s your brain, it’s your life, it’s your attitude…. Go out there and fill up with sights, sounds, and ideas that are bigger than yourself. We all know from history—to say nothing of this current reality—what can happen if we stay quiet and just do what’s put in front of us.

  And don’t worry too much about Whit and me. Word of what happens next will get to you.

  I promise.

  And I’m a scary witch who keeps her promises.

  TO BE CONTINUED

  Excerpts of

  NEW ORDER PROPAGANDA

  as Disseminated by

  The Council of N.O. “Arts”

  ESPECIALLY OFFENSIVE BOOKS THAT HAVE BEEN BANNED

  as Dictated by The One Who Bans Books

  THE BLUEPRINTS OF BRUNO GENET: A particularly repugnant, rule-breaking experiment in mixing dramatic text with pictures. This story of a young inventor distracted many readers—young and old alike—and greatly reduced measurable productivity at schools, workplaces, and residences around the world.

  MARGARET’S PEN: The tale of a little girl, the barnyard animal she loves, and an unexpectedly small friend who saves the day. In the face of this ridiculous premise, its immense popularity is a prime example of just how flawed human society was in the days before the New Order.

  THE PITCHER IN THE WHEAT: An immensely corruptive “coming-of-age” tale about a youth who endeavors to infect the populace with his cynicism and world-weariness.

  THE THUNDER STEALER: This piece of fiction, steeped with references to some of the more outlandish legends of the Old World, is about a boy, Percival Johnson, who steals from the gods and brings down all kinds of divine wrath—and misadventure—upon himself. The entire series about this Percival Johnson is forbidden.

  RATTERS’ TRIP DOWN: The patently improbable saga of a pack of talking rodents who find their lives turned upside down by encroaching human development.

  GARY BLOTTER AND THE GUILD OF REJECTS: The deeply troubling story of a delusional boy who realizes his job as a scribe is much easier when he uses his so-called magical powers.

  THE FIREGIRL SAGA: This bizarre thread of folklore, which promotes secretive “love” relationships between humans and nonhumans, once bred massive, manic cults of creature-worshipping females.

  THE ELDEST DRAGON: This epic fairy tale not only illogically suggests that persons under the age of twenty-one are suitable for leadership roles but is also offensive in its glorification of the long-proved-mythical fire-breathing lizard.

  SOME PARTICULARLY REPREHENSIBLE NOISE POLLUTERS OF THE FORMER AGE

  as Defined by The One Who Monitors Auditory Stimuli

  The Groaning Bones: Their lineup changed over the many decades they made their so-called rock and roll, but—from horrible songs such as “Emerald Wednesday” to “[I’ve Got No] Retribution”—they were among the most successful bands of their benighted era.

  Ron Sayer: This young blues-rock star somehow won awards, dated superstars, and wowed audiences with songs such as “Your Skin Is an Amusement Park.”

  B4: The band from Emerald Isle that took the world by storm in the original New Wave (which was a musical movement and altogether different from and in no way related to the New Order) and then took the world by storm again a decade later, and then the decade after that…. One of the most popular, and outspoken, bands of that deluded epoch.

  We Shall Be Titans: A patently silly but nevertheless popular rock band that often featured the accordion, and whose deeply peculiar songs had been featured in the sound tracks of prime-time TV shows back in the days when there was more than One channel.

  WWA: Wizards with Attitude, the seditious group that paved the lamentable road to hard-core wizard rap.

  Stonesmack: Their debut album, A Flood of Redness to the Face, quickly catapulted this band to supergroup status, where they remained until Order came to the world.

  The Walking Heads: They began as “art” rockers but ended up super-stars. One of their filmed concerts documents just how insane their fans must have been to actually pay to see them.

  Toasterface: An “alt-rock” band that was foolish enough to release an album for free to their fans, thus denying economic benefit to their era’s tax collectors.

  Lay-Z: A rapper whose biting, streetwise rap became so successful that he stopped bothering to finish his albums and lost touch with his fans.

  MUSEUMS THAT HAVE THANKFULLY BEEN RAZED BY THE NEW ORDER

  as Mandated by The One Who Micromanages Public Gathering Spaces

  POPA: The Pavilion of Progressive Art. Located in the artistically unsound City of New Gotham, this glass-walled monstrosity was the repository for many of the most laughable pieces of art in what was considered—at the time—the great modern age.

  The Britney: Also in the wicked City of New Gotham, this depraved institution became famous for its biennial exhibition of aesthetically questionable, morally reprehensible displays of garbage, which its patrons claimed to be the most current of “artistic expressions.”

  The Betelheim: This structurally unsound, spiral-shaped museum was one of the most bizarre gallery spaces in the former world.

  The Jonesonian: The national museum of one of the largest and least-tasteful countries on earth. It was in fact comprised of submuseums covering everything from postage stamps to airplanes to sculpture.

  The Fate Gallery: Incorporating one of the world’s largest collections of both ancient and what was referred to as “modern” art, this museum is a prime example of why the last civilization came to an abrupt end.

  The Fusili: Located in one of the older Old World cities, this was one of the most famous art museums of its time. It contained many pieces from an era that was referred to as the “Renaissance” but clearly was the height of the “Dark Ages.”

  VISUAL “ARTISTS” WHO ARE NO LONGER SULLYING THE WORLD

  as Annotated by The One Who Assesses Visual Stimuli

  Pepe Pompano: Considered by many the most significant painter in the former world’s penultimate century. His “art” resembled the work of a kindergartner. One of his paintings, Magia—which apparently depicts a bombed-out city—was so large it took nearly twenty minutes to burn completely.

  Wiccan Trollack: A bizarrely popular painter whose work involved exploding cans of paint.

  Max Earnest: A deeply disturbed painter and sculptor who had no sense of proportion and whose works might have been hung in prisons to punish criminals—except that would have been grossly inhumane.

  De Glooming: There is some debate about whether De Glooming was a real person or an elaborate hoax to prove just how poor the artistic tastes of his time were. The choice of shapes and color in De Glooming’s art can only be described as nauseating.

  Margie O’Greeffe: During the Unfortunate Era, when females were not adequately controlled and monitored in their artistic expressions, this woman popularized flat, dull imagery completely devoid of detail and any representational accuracy.

  Freida Halo: Anoth
er renegade female “artist” who frequently overindulged in uncomfortable, unseemly, unattractive self-portraits, also in the Unfortunate Era, when self-portraiture went unregulated. In these more enlightened, uncomplicated times, portraiture has been wisely limited to imagery of the Council of Ones.

  EGREGIOUSLY INEFFICIENT OR SUBVERSIVE WORDS BANNED FROM USE

  by Decree of The One Who Edits The Dictionary

  cantrip (noun)

  a. a magic trick or witch’s spell b. chicanery

  curve (noun)

  a. the part of a line that bends b. in graphs, a line that indicates a quantity that increases and decreases at varying quantities against which it is measured c. capitalized: in myth and legend of the previous era, a person or animal capable of entering and traveling through a passageway to another universe or dimension of existence; cf. Straight and Narrow

  Dickensian (adjective)

  denoting poverty and distress of the type that occurred before The One Who Is The One saved the Overworld

  erlenmeyer (noun)

  a person so insistent on scientific or rational explanation that he or she demonstrates social behavior generally deemed to be awkward

  mingus (noun)

  a social gathering or place notable for a lack of food, beverage, or other amenities

  naysayer (noun)

  one who opposes, denies, or is skeptical about something

  pukka (or pucka) (adjective)

  a. genuine b. first-class c. authentic to the age prior to the New Order Revolution

  straight and narrow (noun)

  a. a person who always does things the same way, a bore b. capitalized: in myth and legend of the previous era, a person or animal incapable of traveling through a passageway to another universe or dimension of existence; cf. Curvec