I Funny TV: A Middle School Story Read online

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: Get Me Out of Here!

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: My Brother Is a Big, Fat Liar

  (with Lisa Papademetriou, illustrated by Neil Swaab)

  Middle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: Ultimate Showdown

  (with Julia Bergen, illustrated by Alec Longstreth)

  Middle School: Save Rafe!

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: Just My Rotten Luck

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  The Treasure Hunters Novels

  Treasure Hunters (with Chris Grabenstein and Mark Shulman, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)

  Treasure Hunters: Danger Down the Nile (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)

  Treasure Hunters: Secret of the Forbidden City (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)

  The House of Robots Novels

  (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)

  House of Robots

  House of Robots: Robots Go Wild!

  The Daniel X Novels

  The Dangerous Days of Daniel X (with Michael Ledwidge)

  Watch the Skies (with Ned Rust)

  Demons and Druids (with Adam Sadler)

  Game Over (with Ned Rust)

  Armageddon (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Lights Out (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Other Illustrated Novels

  Public School Superhero (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Cory Thomas)

  Daniel X: Alien Hunter (graphic novel; with Leopoldo Gout)

  Daniel X: The Manga, Vols. 1–3 (with SeungHui Kye)

  For previews of upcoming books in these series and other information, visit middleschoolbooks.com, ifunnybooks.com, and treasurehuntersbooks.com.

  For more information about the author, visit jamespatterson.com.

  We believe a kid who reads is a kid who can succeed.

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  Learn more about our initiatives at JimmyPatterson.org

  CHAPTER 1

  Okay, let me set the scene.

  It’s the absolutely worst day of any year ever recorded since history has been recorded. That, of course, would be the last day of summer vacation. The day before school starts.

  The year is 1990. President Bush (the first one, George H. W.) tells the world he doesn’t like broccoli and hasn’t liked it since he was a little kid, when his mother made him eat it. Donkey Kong is about as good as it gets in video games. And guys are wearing mullets. They’re about as hideous as a hairstyle can be—short at the front and sides, long in the back. Kind of like a coonskin cap made out of hair.

  I’m living with my six sisters in a tiny house near the beach in Seaside Heights. Think Little Women living on the Jersey Shore, but none of us have questionable names like Snooki or JWoww.

  Our father is pretty strict. He makes sure we keep our little house spick-and-span and “shipshape,” even though it’s a bungalow, not a boat.

  We have to do all of our chores before we can do anything remotely fun—even though it’s the last day of summer.

  “Put some elbow grease into it, girls!” That’s Emma. She’s only six, but she does an awesome Dad impression.

  We all call Emma the Little Boss. She’s incredibly stubborn but, fortunately for her, also incredibly cute.

  The rest of us gab up a storm while we wash windows, beat rugs, clean up the kitchen, and scrub the toilets. Remember, this was before texting. In 1990, we actually talked to each other. Weird, right?

  My oldest sister, Sydney, who was nineteen that year, isn’t home right now because her summer ended early. She went off to college (Princeton), where she is a freshman. (Ever wonder why colleges don’t have freshwomen? Are they all stale? That’s the kind of goofy thing I think about sometimes.)

  As you might imagine, Sydney is adored by the whole family, parents and grandparents included. She is practically perfect in every possible way.

  That means she’s the exact opposite of me.

  CHAPTER 2

  Being born a girl in the middle of a pack of girls makes me about as special as a brown M&M. I’m fourth in line to the throne, which, in our house, would be the toilet I have to scrub with stinky blue chemicals before I can go outside and have some end-of-summer fun. And with seven people sharing our single bathroom, it’s no quick thing to get it clean.

  I guess you could say I’m something of a tomboy. While all the other girls on the Seaside Heights beach are wearing bright red Baywatch one-piece swim-suits or teeny-weeny bikinis, I prefer cut-off blue jeans and my baggiest New York Giants T-shirt. I also have a very funny sun hat. Okay, it’s a som-brero.

  The only sister younger than me (besides Emma, the Little Boss, of course) is Riley. She’s eleven.

  I feel sorry for Riley. She’s in the very unfortunate position of having me as her big sister.

  You see, the problem is, Riley looks up to me. She’s my sidekick and partner in crime, not that we’ve ever done anything that’s actually, you know, criminal. Okay, some of the pranks we pull are borderline illegal, but I think a halfway-decent lawyer could easily get us out of jail free (my favorite card in Monopoly). Riley is always skating on the edge of the abyss because that’s where I like to hang out. In the danger zone.

  You’ll see.

  My parents’ other middle child is Hannah.

  Hannah is fourteen and too nice for words. She’s so sweet they won’t let her into the candy stores on the boardwalk anymore because they’re afraid of the competition. Also because she likes to help herself to samples of peanut butter fudge. Every day. For hours at a time.

  Hannah has a huge crush on Mike Guadagno, a rich kid from Stonewall Prep. It’s kind of sad and, also, kind of funny.

  My sister Victoria (don’t you dare call her Vickie) is fifteen going on fifty.

  Victoria has advice about everything for everyone, and she loves to share it with you, any time of the day or night. She’s a bookworm, a movie nut, and a library nerd. She also keeps a diary and likes to inform you when she intends to write about something you just did. Victoria never shuts up, not even in her sleep. One night, I’m sure I heard her giving advice to the monster in her nightmare on how to scare her better.

  Finally, there’s Sophia, the second oldest—or, as she likes to say, the oldest because Sydney is off at college.

  Sophia is eighteen and in love (temporarily) with Mike Guadagno.

  That’s right. The same rich kid from Stonewall Prep that Hannah has a crush on, hence the sad-funny thing I was talking about earlier. Sophia doesn’t know about Hannah’s feelings for Mike. Mike doesn’t, either. (Victoria does and has advised against them. Repeatedly.)

  Mike Guadagno is a nice guy, actually. He’s what Mom would call a keeper, which means, basically, he’s a fish you wouldn’t toss back into the ocean after you hauled it into your boat and ripped the hook out of its mouth. I sort of feel sorry for Mike. We all do. As soon as summer’s over, we know Sophia is going to rip out her hook and break Mike’s heart. It’s her thing. She collects boys the way a botanist collects flowers or a bugologist collects beetles.

  My new friend Meredith Crawford, who recently moved to Seaside Heights from Newark, tells me there’s no such thing as a bugologist when I tell her about Sophia and how she plays “impossible
to get.” “Scientists who study insects are called entomologists,” she says.

  Meredith is super-smart. I’m hoping she’ll help me do my homework when school starts. She already pitches in with the chores around our house because she practically lives at our place and we need all the help we can get.

  My mom (your grandmother) doesn’t do much housekeeping. No cooking, no cleaning. Nothing.

  She can’t.

  She’s in Saudi Arabia.

  CHAPTER 3

  Another thing that happened in 1990?

  A crazy dictator with a bushy mustache named Saddam Hussein (the crazy guy not the bushy mustache) invaded Kuwait because he thought they were charging too much for gas.

  Hey, I don’t like the price the guy on the corner charges, but do you see me invading his gas station?

  Anyway, after Saddam refused to remove his troops from Kuwait, President George H. W. Bush (the guy who hates broccoli) ordered the start of Operation Desert Shield.

  Mom, who everybody calls Big Sydney—not because she’s large or anything but because she came before Little Sydney, my oldest sister—is a staff sergeant in the Marine Corps. The second that President Bush declared Operation Desert Shield, Mom had to pack up her gear and ship out for Saudi Arabia, where America’s troops were stationed, waiting for Saddam to do the right thing, which would be to leave Kuwait without breaking anything.

  That’s why we Hart girls are on double cleaning duty these days. We’re in charge of everything in our small house, from basically raising Emma (and sometimes Riley) to checking in on Mom’s mom (our grandmother Nonna) and walking Sandfleas. She’s our dog.

  I flush the toilet and watch the blue foamy water swirl away. My final chore is finished.

  “Let’s book!” I say to my friend Meredith. (Quick translation: “Let’s book” in the 1990s means “Let’s get outta here,” not “Shall we read something by Dr. Seuss?”)

  “What do you want to do?” I ask, hoping she has an incredible idea that would be the perfect end to our summer vacation.

  “I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

  I’m about to say “I don’t know” when I have my best end-of-the-summer brainstorm ever.

  “Let’s hit the boardwalk and play a new game,” I say to Meredith.

  Riley asks if she can tag along.

  “We might do something stupid,” I warn her.

  Riley shrugs. “Stupid is cool.”

  She’ll regret that decision later, trust me.

  Contents

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  WELCOME

  PART ONE: The End? Chapter 1: TV OR NOT TV?

  Chapter 2: LAUGHING MY BUTT OFF

  Chapter 3: MY BULLY-PROOF VEST

  Chapter 4: DOWN AT THE DINER

  Chapter 5: CREAKY COMEDY?

  Chapter 6: DOWN IN FROWN TOWN

  Chapter 7: RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD

  Chapter 8: HOLLYWOOD CALLING. AGAIN.

  Chapter 9: FUNNY BUSINESS AS USUAL

  Chapter 10: HOLLYWOOD INVADES MY MIDDLE SCHOOL

  Chapter 11: SIGN ON THE DOTTED LINE

  Chapter 12: CHOKING ON THE DOTTED LINE

  Chapter 13: ANYBODY GOT A MILLION BUCKS I CAN BORROW?

  Chapter 14: LIGHTS! CAMERA! GILDA!

  Chapter 15: SMILEYVILLE TURNS INTO TINSELTOWN

  Chapter 16: TAKE A WALK (OR ROLL) ON THE BOARDWALK

  Chapter 17: WHO WANTED TO BE A MILLIONAIRE?

  Chapter 18: SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED

  Chapter 19: WRITE OR WRONG?

  Chapter 20: SCHOOL DAYS (IN THIRTY MINUTES OR LESS)

  Chapter 21: MEETING MY FAKE BFF

  Chapter 22: JILLDA IS NO GILDA

  Chapter 23: BACK TO SCHOOL

  Chapter 24: WHEN WRITE BECOMES WRONG

  Chapter 25: BULLY FOR ME

  Chapter 26: ME AND MY FUNNY FRIENDS

  Chapter 27: KILLING FOR A GOOD CAUSE

  Chapter 28: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

  Chapter 29: MY INCREDIBLE SHRINKING FRIENDS

  Chapter 30: PUTTING IT ON ITS FEET (THE SCRIPT, NOT ME)

  Chapter 31: THE PERKS OF BEING A TV STAR

  Chapter 32: LAUGHING TILL IT HURTS

  Chapter 33: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT… AND PERSPIRATION

  Chapter 34: MY FANS ROLL IN!

  Chapter 35: YES, I’M A GUY AND I WEAR MAKEUP

  Chapter 36: HELLO? WHO AM I?

  PART TWO: All That Glitters Chapter 37: THE SECOND-WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

  Chapter 38: FRIDAY NIGHT DEAD

  Chapter 39: SAYING HI-HI TO HA-HA

  Chapter 40: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S ME!

  Chapter 41: DOING A DOUBLE TAKE

  Chapter 42: GOING VIRAL CAN MAKE YOU SICK

  Chapter 43: THE LONG RIDE TO NOWHERESVILLE

  Chapter 44: HURRY UP AND WAIT

  Chapter 45: I’VE NEVER LIKED ME LESS

  Chapter 46: WORLD’S WORST FRIEND? ME

  Chapter 47: IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE IT GETS DARKER

  Chapter 48: GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS

  Chapter 49: SHHH! IT’S A LIBRARY!

  Chapter 50: TIME FLIES WHEN YOU’RE HAVING FUN

  Chapter 51: ON A ROLL

  Chapter 52: BUH-BYE, BRAD

  Chapter 53: GILDA IN CHARGE

  Chapter 54: ALL MY SHIRTS ARE SWEATSHIRTS

  Chapter 55: CAUTION: CHILDREN AT PLAY

  Chapter 56: MAKE ROOM FOR ZOMBIES!

  Chapter 57: GO TIME FOR SHOWTIME!

  Chapter 58: BULLY STAMPEDE

  Chapter 59: IF YOU’RE TALKING, YOU’RE NOT CHOKING

  Chapter 60: SO FAR, SO GOOD!

  Chapter 61: UNLESS I’M MISTAKEN, THERE ARE NO MISTAKES

  Chapter 62: BUYING TIME

  EPILOGUE: SIGNING ON THE DOTTED LINES

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON FOR YOUNG READERS

  A SNEAK PEEK AT JACKY HA-HA

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright

  The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Copyright © 2015 by James Patterson

  Illustrations by Laura Park

  Excerpt from Jacky Ha-Ha copyright © 2016 by James Patterson

  Illustrations in excerpt from Jacky Ha-Ha by Kerascoët

  Middle School® and the JIMMY Patterson name and logos are a trademark of JBP Business, LLC.

  Cover design by Tracy Shaw and Catherine San Juan; art by Laura Park

  Cover copyright © 2015 by Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  JIMMY Patterson Books / Little, Brown and Company

  Hachette Book Group

  1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10104

  JimmyPatterson.org

  First ebook edition: December 2015

  JIMMY Patterson Books is an imprint of Little, Brown and Company, a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc. The JIMMY Patterson name and logo are trademarks of JBP Business, LLC.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

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  ISBN 978-0-316-30110-7

  E3

 

 
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