I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story Read online

  I’m even kind of glad to see Stevie Kosgrov back on his old turf, prowling around in the schoolyard, blocking my path.

  “What?” Stevie sneers at me. “You think I’m going to treat you special just because you’re some kind of world-famous comedian in a wheelchair?”

  “I sure hope not, Stevie. I just want what I’ve always wanted: to be treated like everybody else.”

  “Congratulations, Crip. Your wish is about to come true.”

  And then he gives my chair a good hard shove and tips me over.

  I’m down on the ground, flat on my back. I thrust both arms up over my head and let out a joyous whoop!

  “All right!” I shout. “Woo-hoooo! That’s what I’m talking about. I’m just a regular kid like the rest of you knuckleheads. Thank you! You’ve been a great audience. I love you. I love my life. I even love Stevie Kosgrov!”

  For more great reads and free samplers, visit

  LBYRDigitalDeals.com

  James Patterson has had more #1 bestsellers for children than any living writer. He is the author of the Middle School, I Funny, Treasure Hunters, and Daniel X novels, as well as House of Robots. His blockbusters for adults, featuring enduring characters like Alex Cross—in addition to his many books for teens, such as the Maximum Ride series—have sold more than 300 million copies worldwide. He lives in Florida.

  Chris Grabenstein is a New York Times bestselling author who has collaborated with James Patterson on the I Funny and Treasure Hunters series and Daniel X: Armageddon. He lives in New York City.

  Laura Park is a cartoonist and the illustrator of the I Funny series and four books in the Middle School series. She is the author of the minicomic series Do Not Disturb My Waking Dream, and her work has appeared in The Best American Comics. She lives in Chicago.

  BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON

  for Young Readers

  The I Funny Novels

  I Funny (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Laura Park)

  I Even Funnier (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Laura Park)

  I Totally Funniest (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Laura Park)

  The Middle School Novels

  Middle School, The Worst Years of My Life

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: Get Me out of Here!

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: Big Fat Liar

  (with Lisa Papademetriou, illustrated by Neil Swaab)

  Middle School: How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: Ultimate Showdown

  (with Julia Bergen, illustrated by Alec Longstreth)

  Middle School: Save Rafe!

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  The Treasure Hunters Novels

  Treasure Hunters

  (with Chris Grabenstein and Mark Shulman, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)

  Treasure Hunters: Danger Down the Nile

  (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)

  The Daniel X Novels

  The Dangerous Days of Daniel X (with Michael Ledwidge)

  Watch the Skies (with Ned Rust)

  Demons and Druids (with Adam Sadler)

  Game Over (with Ned Rust)

  Armageddon (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Other Illustrated Novels

  House of Robots (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Juliana Neufeld)

  Public School Superhero (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Cory Thomas)

  Daniel X: Alien Hunter (graphic novel; with Leopoldo Gout)

  Daniel X: The Manga, Vols. 1–3 (with SeungHui Kye)

  For previews of upcoming books in these series and other information, visit middleschoolbooks.com, ifunnybooks.com, treasurehuntersbooks.com, and daniel-x.com.

  For more information about the author, visit jamespatterson.com.

  According to my mother—whose name is Elizabeth—the robot’s name, E, stands for Egghead, which is what a lot of people call my mom, Professor Elizabeth Hayes, PhD, because she’s so super smart (except when she does super-dumb stuff like making me take a talking robot to school for anything besides show-and-tell).

  My dad, Noah Rodriguez, says the name E stands for Einstein Jr. because the robot is such a genius. Ha! Would a genius go to school without wearing underpants? I don’t think so.

  My sister, Maddie, thinks E is a perfect name all by itself and stands for nothing except E.

  I kind of like Maddie’s idea. Even though Maddie doesn’t go to school, she’s so smart it’s almost impossible to fight or argue with her about anything. Trust me. I’ve tried.

  But the more time I spend with E, the more I think I know what his name really means: ERROR!

  “Remember, Samuel,” E says when we reach the bus stop, “always wait for the school bus on the sidewalk. Do not stand, run, or play in the street.”

  A lot of my friends from the neighborhood are already at the corner. Most of them are gawking at the clunky machine with the glowing blue eyeballs that’s following behind me like an obedient Saint Bernard.

  “What’s with the bright blue eyeballs?” I mumble. “Are those like freeze-ray guns?”

  “Let’s form a straight line, children, away from the street,” E chirps. And get this—E can smile. And blink. (But you can hear the mini-motors clicking and purring inside his head when he does.)

  “I make these suggestions,” E continues, “in an attempt to enhance your school-bus-boarding safety.”

  Everybody stops gawking at E and starts staring at me.

  None of the kids are smiling. Or blinking.

  E is definitely the biggest ERROR my mother has ever made—worse than the time she designed a litter-box-cleaning robot that flung clumps of kitty poop all over the house.

  “What is that thing?” asks Jackson Rehder, one of the kids who ride the bus with me every morning.

  “Another one of my mother’s ridiculous robots,” I say, giving E the stink eye.

  “What’s his name?”

  “E. For Error. Just like in baseball.”

  “I’m sorry, Samuel,” says E. “You are mistaken. You are imparting incorrect information. Your statement is fallacious.”

  Great. Now the stupid robot wants to argue with me? Unbelievable.

  Stick around. This should be fun.

  Contents

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  WELCOME

  DEDICATION

  PART ONE: FINALLY, THE FINALS! CHAPTER 1. START THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK

  CHAPTER 2. SMILEYVILLE: THE TOWN WITH THE FROWN

  CHAPTER 3. MIDDLE SCHOOL COOL? ME?

  CHAPTER 4. MY BESTIES (FRIENDS, NOT JOKES)

  CHAPTER 5. CRAMMING FOR THE FINALS

  CHAPTER 6. RINGING UP THE LAUGHS

  CHAPTER 7. WANTED: FUNNY BONES, FAMILY-SIZED

  CHAPTER 8. LAUGH, TWO, THREE, FOUR

  CHAPTER 9. A NIGHTMARE BEFORE BEDTIME

  CHAPTER 10. KNOCK-KNOCK IT OFF

  CHAPTER 11. LIVING THE DREAM—OR MAYBE THE NIGHTMARE

  CHAPTER 12. BEING GREAT CAN BE GRATING

  CHAPTER 13. READY! SET! NOT SO FAST…

  CHAPTER 14. THE END OF THE WORLD (WELL, MINE, ANYWAY)

  CHAPTER 15. TV DINNER

  CHAPTER 16. I’M BAAAAACK

  CHAPTER 17. TV OR NOT TV?

  CHAPTER 18. GOOD MORNING, AMERICA!

  CHAPTER 19. SMILE—YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA, 24/7

  CHAPTER 20. GILDA TO THE RESCUE!

  CHAPTER 21. UP PAST MY BEDTIME IN THE AFTERNOON

  CHAPTER 22. HOLLYWOOD IN NEW YORK

  CHAPTER 23. JAMIE AND JIMMY

  CHAPTER 24. LOOK AT ME! I’M ON LATE-NIGHT TV!

  CHAPTER 25. PREVIEW OF COMING DISTRACTIONS

  CHAPTER 26. HURRY UP AND WAIT

  CHAPTER 27. FLYING TO THE LEFT COAST

  CHAPTER 28. THEY FU
NNY, TOO

  CHAPTER 29. MEET CHATTY PATTY, DUMB AS A FOX

  CHAPTER 30. SURF’S UP AND I’M DOWN

  CHAPTER 31. I DON’T HAVE A GHOST OF A CHANCE

  CHAPTER 32. ONE DAY I SPENT A WEEK IN LA TRAFFIC

  CHAPTER 33. JUDY, JUDY, JUDY!

  CHAPTER 34. SHOWTIME!

  CHAPTER 35. STIFF COMPETITION (I’M THE STIFF)

  CHAPTER 36. COUNTING DOWN THE COMICS

  CHAPTER 37. WAS I EVEN ON THE SHOW?

  CHAPTER 38. AND THE LOSERS ARE…

  CHAPTER 39. AMERICA HAS SPOKEN!

  CHAPTER 40. A HEAD TOO BIG FOR MY HAT

  CHAPTER 41. WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE…

  CHAPTER 42. TONIGHT’S SPECIAL: ANOTHER LECTURE

  CHAPTER 43. WE INTERRUPT THIS MELTDOWN FOR A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

  CHAPTER 44. SAM I AM. BAM!

  CHAPTER 45. MOVING TO COT CITY

  CHAPTER 46. PLAYING THE RED CROSS ROOM

  CHAPTER 47. FUNNY MEETING YOU HERE

  PART TWO: HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD? CHAPTER 48. A VERY DARK MORNING

  CHAPTER 49. LONG-DISTANCE DISTRESS

  CHAPTER 50. MAKE ’EM LAUGH

  CHAPTER 51. PUTTING THE “YIKES” INTO SKYPE

  CHAPTER 52. MORE BAD NEWS ON THE BOARDWALK

  CHAPTER 53. BACK TO SCHOOL… AND SUDDENLY COOL

  CHAPTER 54. HAULING MY BIG HEAD HOME

  CHAPTER 55. STINKING UP THE BATHROOM

  CHAPTER 56. WAKE-UP CALL

  CHAPTER 57. SWIMMING WITH THE HOLLYWOOD SHARKS

  CHAPTER 58. SLEEPING LIKE A BABY: CRYING AND SCREAMING ALL NIGHT

  CHAPTER 59. A LITTLE NY IN LA

  CHAPTER 60. STRESS REHEARSAL

  CHAPTER 61. CHANGING MY ACT IN MIDSTREAM

  CHAPTER 62. EVEN MORE HOTEL GUESTS

  CHAPTER 63. PARTY? ON A SCHOOL NIGHT?

  CHAPTER 64. HEARD ANY JUICY HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP LATELY?

  CHAPTER 65. A MOB OF REPORTERS

  CHAPTER 66. MY NEW WHEELCHAIR

  CHAPTER 67. PIN THE TAIL ON THE MOVIE STAR

  CHAPTER 68. RAFE TO THE RESCUE

  CHAPTER 69. HEY, IT’S HOLLYWOOD. EVERYBODY’S A PHONY!

  CHAPTER 70. READY OR NOT, HERE I GO!

  CHAPTER 71. WHERE’S JAMIE-O?

  CHAPTER 72. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PRESENTING ME!

  CHAPTER 73. A BACKSTAGE MIRACLE

  CHAPTER 74. LUCKY DAY?

  CHAPTER 75. MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?

  CHAPTER 76. I’M SORRY. COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?

  CHAPTER 77. SAY GOOD-BYE TO HOLLYWOOD!

  CHAPTER 78. GOING BACK IN TIME

  CHAPTER 79. HOME SWEET HOME

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON

  A SNEAK PEEK OF HOUSE OF ROBOTS

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2015 by James Patterson

  Illustrations by Laura Park

  Cover art by Laura Park

  Cover design by Tracy Shaw

  Cover © 2015 Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Little, Brown and Company

  Hachette Book Group

  1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10104

  lb-kids.com

  Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

  First ebook edition: January 2015

  ISBN 978-0-316-40594-2

  E3