I, Funny Read online

  I scrunch up my face and tighten my stomach muscles so I’m ready to take a good punch.

  But Stevie totally surprises me.

  Instead of slugging me, he puts out his hand. A little nervous, I take it.

  “We’re not friends, though,” he says as we shake.

  “Definitely not,” I say. “We’re mortal enemies.”

  “To the death, bro. Sooner or later, you’re going down.”

  “Maybe. But you know what, Stevie?”

  “What?”

  “Sooner or later, I’ll get right back up again, too.”

  Chapter 69

  THE ROAD TO WHATEVER COMES NEXT!

  So, what happens next?

  Well, I’m not exactly sure, because it hasn’t happened yet. But here’s a little trailer for things you can maybe (kind of, sort of) expect in the next book:

  It’s on to Boston and the Northeast Regionals for yours truly, where—who knows?—maybe I’ll be up against Billy Crystal’s extremely funny nephew and a hilarious, wisecracking dog. Hey, who could beat a dog? I’m already sweating just making it up.

  Maybe in the next book, Uncle Frankie will teach me how to do Around the World with a yo-yo in one hand while simultaneously plopping pickles on hamburger buns with the other.

  What else? Let’s see….

  Cool Girl gives me another kiss.

  Gilda Gold gives me a kiss.

  And Stevie Kosgrov socks me in the kisser.

  I get a congratulatory call from the president. Of Russia. “You funny, da?” he says.

  “Da,” I say. “I funny.”

  Lots of stuff like that in the next book. Plus, a lot more jokes.

  If there is a next book.

  I mean, what if I lose? What if I bomb in Boston? What if I make it to the semifinals in Las Vegas but not all the way to Hollywood?

  I definitely need to think about something to fall back on besides my butt, because I don’t want to break any more butt bones.

  Hey, maybe I could write movies for Adam Sandler.

  Or if laughter really is the best medicine, maybe I could become a doctor and hang out at the Hopeless Hotel.

  I know one thing for sure: I won’t give up. Hope will keep whispering in my ear, telling me to get up and try one more time.

  And I will.

  Even though I totally agree with what Steven Wright says: “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

  Hey, thanks for hanging out and reading my story. Until next time, I’m Jamie Grimm. I’m the luckiest kid in the world.

  And for now, at least, I’m the funniest kid in New York!

  P.S. FROM JAMIE

  Have you ever wanted to crack up your friends and family? Well, the first thing you’re going to need are some can’t-miss jokes. The Web is full of sites that’ll help you get started. Here are some of my favorites:

  kids.yahoo.com/jokes

  bconnex.net/~kidworld/weekjoke.htm

  ahajokes.com/kids_jokes.html

  jokesbykids.com

  kids.niehs.nih.gov/games/jokes/jokes_galore.htm

  ducksters.com/jokesforkids

  GET READY TO LAUGH YOUR GUTS OUT!

  A #1 New York Times and #1 Indiebound BESTSELLER!

  TuRN THe PAGe FOR A SNEAK PREVIEW!

  I’M RAFe KHATCHADORiAN, TRAGiC HeRO

  It feels as honest as the day is crummy that I begin this tale of total desperation and woe with me, my pukey sister, Georgia, and Leonardo the Silent sitting like rotting sardines in the back of a Hills Village Police Department cruiser.

  Now, there’s a pathetic family portrait you don’t want to be a part of, believe me. More on the unfortunate Village Police incident later. I need to work myself up to tell you that disaster story.

  So anyway, ta-da, here it is, book fans, and all of you in need of AR points at school, the true autobio of my life so far. The dreaded middle school years. If you’ve ever been a middle schooler, you understand already. If you’re not in middle school yet, you’ll understand soon enough.

  But let’s face it: Understanding me—I mean, really understanding me and my nutty life—isn’t so easy. That’s why it’s so hard for me to find people I can trust. The truth is, I don’t know who I can trust. So mostly I don’t trust anybody. Except my mom, Jules. (Most of the time, anyway.)

  So… let’s see if I can trust you. First, some background.

  That’s me, by the way, arriving at “prison”—also known as Hills Village Middle School—in Jules’s SUV. The picture credit goes to Leonardo the Silent.

  Getting back to the story, though, I do trust one other person. That would actually be Leonardo.

  Leo is capital C Crazy, and capital O Off-the-Wall, but he keeps things real.

  Here are some other people I don’t trust as far as I can throw a truckload of pianos.

  There’s Ms. Ruthless Donatello, but you can just call her the Dragon Lady. She teaches English and also handles my favorite subject in sixth grade—after-school detention.

  Also, Mrs. Ida Stricker, the vice principal. Ida’s pretty much in charge of every breath anybody takes at HVMS.

  That’s Georgia, my super-nosy, super-obnoxious, super-brat sister, whose only good quality is that she looks like Jules might have looked when she was in fourth grade.

  There are more on my list, and we’ll get to them eventually. Or maybe not. I’m not exactly sure how this is going to work out. As you can probably tell, this is my first full-length book.

  But let’s stay on the subject of us for a little bit.

  I kind of want to, but how do I know I can trust you with all my embarrassing personal stuff—like the police car disaster story? What are you like? Inside, what are you like?

  Are you basically a pretty good, pretty decent person? Says who? Says you? Says your ’rents? Says your sibs?

  Okay, in the spirit of a possible friendship between us—and this is a huge big deal for me—here’s another true confession.

  This is what I actually looked like when I got to school that first morning of sixth grade.

  We still friends, or are you out of here?

  Hey—don’t go—all right?

  I kind of like you. Seriously. You know how to listen, at least. And believe me, I’ve got quite the story to tell you.

  BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON

  for Readers of All Ages

  Confessions of a Murder Suspect

  The Witch & Wizard Novels

  Witch & Wizard (with Gabrielle Charbonnet)

  The Gift (with Ned Rust)

  The Fire (with Jill Dembowski)

  The Maximum Ride Novels

  The Angel Experiment

  School’s Out—Forever

  Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

  The Final Warning

  MAX

  FANG

  ANGEL

  Nevermore

  The Daniel X Novels

  The Dangerous Days of Daniel X (with Michael Ledwidge)

  Watch the Skies (with Ned Rust)

  Demons and Druids (with Adam Sadler)

  Game Over (with Ned Rust)

  Armageddon (with Chris Grabenstein)

  The Middle School Novels

  Middle School, The Worst Years of My Life

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Middle School: Get Me out of Here!

  (with Chris Tebbetts, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Other Illustrated Novels

  I Funny (with Chris Grabenstein, illustrated by Laura Park)

  Daniel X: Alien Hunter (graphic novel; with Leopoldo Gout)

  Daniel X: The Manga, Vols. 1–3 (with SeungHui Kye)

  Maximum Ride: The Manga, Vols. 1–6 (with NaRae Lee)

  Witch & Wizard: The Manga, Vols. 1–2 (with Svetlana Chmakova)

  For previews of upcoming books in these series and other information, visit www.confessionsofamurdersuspect.com, www.maximumride.com, www.daniel-x.com, www.witchandwizard.com, and w
ww.middleschoolbook.com.

  For more information about the author, visit www.JamesPatterson.com.

  Contents

  WELCOME

  PROLOGUE

  CHAPTER ONE: FLOP SWEAT

  CHAPTER TWO: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… ME!

  PART ONE: THE ROAD TO RONKONKOMA

  CHAPTER 1: WELCOME TO MY WORLD

  CHAPTER 2: A STRANGER IN AN EVEN STRANGER LAND

  CHAPTER 3: JAMIE TO THE RESCUE!

  CHAPTER 4: DOWN AND UP

  CHAPTER 5: AND NOW—THE GOOD STUFF

  CHAPTER 6: MY AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL

  CHAPTER 7: THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME (IF THERE WERE, THE AUTHORITIES WOULD SHUT IT DOWN)

  CHAPTER 8: WITH BROTHERS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?

  CHAPTER 9: BRAINSTORMING!

  CHAPTER 10: IT’S A SMALL BEACH, AFTER ALL

  CHAPTER 11: SAND TRAPPED

  CHAPTER 12: THERE’S NOTHING FINER THAN SATURDAY AT THE DINER

  CHAPTER 13: FROM RUSSIA, WITH LOVE

  CHAPTER 14: THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME (SERIOUSLY, THERE ISN’T)

  CHAPTER 15: HOME IS WHERE THE HEARTLESS BULLY IS

  CHAPTER 16: ME AND MY CRAZY FRIENDS

  CHAPTER 17: THE BIGGEST LOSER

  CHAPTER 18: THE CRIP FROM CORNBALL

  CHAPTER 19: MY LUNCH DATE

  CHAPTER 20: WHY “PUBLIC SPEAKING” SHOULD BE CALLED “PUBLIC EXECUTION”

  CHAPTER 21: FIRST AID FOR CHOKING VICTIMS

  CHAPTER 22: THE LONG WAY HOME

  CHAPTER 23: A BAD DREAM COME TRUE

  CHAPTER 24: THANK GOODNESS MY DAD HAD A BROTHER

  CHAPTER 25: HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN, JIGGITY-JIG…

  CHAPTER 26: NEW YORK, NEW YORK (SO NICE, THEY NAMED IT TWICE)

  CHAPTER 27: WELCOME TO THE COMEDY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!

  CHAPTER 28: RUDE AND CRUDE, WITH MY KIND OF ’TUDE

  CHAPTER 29: A NEW WEEK, A NEW ME (EVEN THOUGH I LOOK A LOT LIKE THE OLD ME!)

  CHAPTER 30: DOING HARD TIME

  CHAPTER 31: SAYING THANKS UNTIL IT HURTS

  CHAPTER 32: MY MYSTERY GIRL

  CHAPTER 33: CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF BRAINSTORMS

  CHAPTER 34: HOME IS WHERE THE LAUGHS AREN’T

  CHAPTER 35: FINALLY, A GOOD DREAM

  CHAPTER 36: HOW DO YOU GET TO RONKONKOMA? PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

  CHAPTER 37: SNEAKING OUT OF TOWN

  CHAPTER 38: YIKES! IT’S SHOWTIME!

  CHAPTER 39: TAKING NO PRISONERS

  CHAPTER 40: TIME CRAWLS WHEN YOU’RE DONE HAVING FUN

  CHAPTER 41: MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE?

  PART TWO: THE LONG, WINDING, TWISTING, CURVING, SLOPING, SLIPPERY-WHEN-WET ROAD HOME

  CHAPTER 42: HERO FOR A DAY!

  CHAPTER 43: OKAY, HALF A DAY

  CHAPTER 44: COOL GIRL TO THE RESCUE

  CHAPTER 45: NOTE TO SELF: TELL UNCLE FRANKIE!

  CHAPTER 46: FEELING THE LOVE… AND JUST A LITTLE HATE

  CHAPTER 47: TIME FOR A LITTLE Q&A

  CHAPTER 48: NEW YUKS FOR NEW YORK

  CHAPTER 49: DYING IN THE LIVING ROOM

  CHAPTER 50: THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!

  CHAPTER 51: I’M OFFICIALLY OFF THE CLOCK

  CHAPTER 52: THE BIG (AND EXTREMELY CROWDED) DAY!

  CHAPTER 53: MEETING THE PEOPLE I’M GOING TO LOSE TO

  CHAPTER 54: THE SHOW MUST GO ON (SOMETIME SOON, PLEASE?)

  CHAPTER 55: BATTER UP!

  CHAPTER 56: BRINGING IT HOME!

  CHAPTER 57: LOOK AT ME! I’M THE COMEDY KING OF THE WORLD!

  CHAPTER 58: CASUALTIES OF COMEDY

  CHAPTER 59: WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

  CHAPTER 60: AN EVEN BIGGER (AND BETTER) SURPRISE

  CHAPTER 61: REMEMBERING ANOTHER NIGHT

  CHAPTER 62: I AM THE LUCKY ONE

  CHAPTER 63: BACK TO SEMI-NORMAL

  CHAPTER 64: ZOMBIES ON PARADE!

  CHAPTER 65: MOB SCENE BY THE SEA

  CHAPTER 66: A SUNDAY DRIVE INTO MY PAST

  CHAPTER 67: LAUGHTER REALLY IS THE BEST MEDICINE

  CHAPTER 68: AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR TORMENTOR

  CHAPTER 69: THE ROAD TO WHATEVER COMES NEXT!

  P.S. FROM JAMIE

  A PREVIEW OF MIDDLE SCHOOL THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE

  BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2012 by James Patterson

  Illustrations by Laura Park

  Jacket design by Alison Impey

  Jacket art by Laura Park

  Jacket copyright 2012 Hachette Book Group, Inc

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Little, Brown and Company

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

  www.hachettebookgroup.com

  First e-book edition: December 2012

  Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher. Third-party website addresses listed in this book are accurate and age appropriate as of the time this book went to press, but they are beyond the publisher’s control. The publisher cannot guarantee that the content of these sites will not change.

  The Hachette Speakers Bureau provides a wide range of authors for speaking events. To find out more, go to www.hachettespeakersbureau.com or call (866) 376-6591.

  ISBN 978-0-316-20694-5