House of Robots Read online

  Watch the Skies

  (with Ned Rust)

  Demons and Druids

  (with Adam Sadler)

  Game Over

  (with Ned Rust)

  Armageddon

  (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Other Illustrated Novels

  Daniel X: Alien Hunter

  (graphic novel; with Leopoldo Gout)

  Daniel X: The Manga, Vols. 1–3

  (with SeungHui Kye)

  For previews of upcoming books in these series and other information, visit middleschoolbooks.com, ifunnybooks.com, treasurehuntersbooks.com, and daniel-x.com.

  For more information about the author, visit jamespatterson.com.

  MEET THE PLANET’S FUNNIEST KID COMIC,

  JAMIE GRIMM!

  TURN THE PAGE FOR A SNEAK PEEK!

  AVAILABLE NOW!

  One

  FLOP SWEAT

  Have you ever done something extremely stupid like, oh, I don’t know, try to make a room filled with total strangers laugh until their sides hurt?

  Totally dumb, right?

  Well, that’s why my humble story is going to start with some pretty yucky tension—plus a little heavy-duty drama (and, hopefully, a few funnies so we don’t all go nuts).

  Okay, so how, exactly, did I get into this mess— up onstage at a comedy club, baking like a bag of French fries under a hot spotlight that shows off my sweat stains (including one that sort of looks like Jabba the Hutt), with about a thousand beady eyeballs drilling into me?

  A very good question that you ask.

  To tell you the truth, it’s one I’m asking, too!

  What am I, Jamie Grimm, doing here trying to win something called the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest?

  What was I thinking?

  But wait. Hold on. It gets even worse.

  While the whole audience stares and waits for me to say something (anything) funny, I’m up here choking.

  That’s right—my mind is a total and complete blank.

  And I just said, “No, I’m Jamie Grimm.”

  That’s the punch line. The end of a joke.

  All it needs is whatever comes before the punch line. You know—all the stuff I can’t remember.

  So I sweat some more. The audience stares some more.

  I don’t think this is how a comedy act is supposed to go. I’m pretty sure jokes are usually involved. And people laughing.

  “Um, hi.” I finally squeak out a few words. “The other day at school, we had this substitute teacher. Very tough. Sort of like Mrs. Darth Vader. Had the heavy breathing, the deep voice. During roll call, she said, ‘Are you chewing gum, young man?’ And I said, ‘No, I’m Jamie Grimm.’ ”

  I wait (for what seems like hours) and, yes, the audience kind of chuckles. It’s not a huge laugh, but it’s a start.

  Okay. Phew. I can tell a joke. All is not lost. Yet. But hold on for a sec. We need to talk about something else. A major twist to my tale.

  “A major twist?” you say. “Already?”

  Yep. And, trust me, you weren’t expecting this one.

  To be totally honest, neither was I.

  READ MORE IN:

  I FUNNY

  SAVING THE WORLD IS TOUGH FOR

  STAINLEZZ STEEL…

  BUT MIDDLE SCHOOL IS EVEN TOUGHER

  WHEN HE’S JUST KENNY WRIGHT.

  TURN THE PAGE FOR A SNEAK PEEK!

  AVAILABLE MARCH 2015!

  1

  I AM STAINLEZZ STEEL

  THE REAL ME

  Today I, Stainlezz Steel, am officially bugged out. Today’s my first day at Union Middle School, and the truth is, I’m a little scared.

  Don’t laugh. My school is way worse than your school. Believe that.

  In real life, I am mild-mannered, easy-to-get-along-with Kenny Wright. And as you may have figured out by now, Stainlezz Steel only exists in my crazy mixed-up imagination.

  Superheroes aren’t real. I know that. But you show me a kid who says he never wished he could fly like Superman, or run like the Flash, or mess around inside Iron Man’s supersuit… and I’ll show you a kid who’s lying through his grill.

  That’s why I made up Stainlezz Steel. Inside my head, I mean. Because I have about as much chance of being a superhero as a turtle has of winning a hundred-yard dash. And the only battles I ever win are on the chessboard.

  Not like Steel.

  It doesn’t help that my stubborn-as-a-donkey Grandma Hope insists on walking me to school, either. (I call her G-ma for short. She calls me Kenneth, for long, but you can just call me Kenny.)

  I explained to G-ma that I’m in sixth grade now. It’s straight-up embarrassing to show up with your granny on the first day. Everyone thinks I’m kind of a geek to begin with. Well… maybe not a geek-geek, but I’m definitely not “that dude.” You know that dude; the ladies love him, and the fellas want to be him. But try explaining that to G-ma. She may not be hard of hearing, but she can definitely be hard of listening, if you know what I mean. And she has an opinion about EVERYTHING.

  And don’t get me wrong. I’ve got mad respect for G-ma. She takes good care of me, and I try to do the same for her. She also makes the best peach upside-down cake you ever tasted.

  It’s just that I’m crazy nervous about starting middle school. Like, throw-up-on-my-shoes nervous. Kids like me can get stomped down pretty quick at a place like Union Middle.

  But G-ma doesn’t notice. On the real, for a little old lady, she has a lot of heart. She’s fearless. Sometimes I think she may be a champion MMA prizefighter at night. Hey, it’s possible. She just keeps walking on down Martin Luther King Avenue, talking to me about grades and high expectations, while I try to hold on to my breakfast and figure out how I’m going to make it through the first day.

  Times like these, I could use a little less Kenny and a lot more Steel.

  WELCOME TO UMS

  Okay, in my neighborhood, my school is known as Fort Union. That’s because of the crazy-strict military base rules there.

  No kids get inside until 7:50 a.m., sharp.

  No kids get inside without a student ID.

  No kids get inside without opening their backpacks for the security guards.

  And that’s just the front door. I’m sure it’d take you less time to get through the airport’s high-tech security with explosives tied to your calves. It’s crazy man. This is what I go through, every stinkin’ day.

  When I get past security, I find that my homeroom doesn’t even have real windows. It’s just metal screens where someone broke out the glass over the summer.

  Also, it’s kind of crowded in here. “Overcrowded” would be an understatement. For real.

  After attendance, my homeroom teacher, Ms. Green, takes us around the school and shows us where everything is.

  Downstairs on the first floor, the library’s about the size of a closet. There’s one rolling computer cart with two computers for the whole school. Also some wrinkly old posters of President Obama, Dr. King, and Rosa Parks on the wall. They just look sad and tired, which I don’t think is supposed to be the idea. I may come in really late one night as Steel and hang up a few Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, and Sojourner Truth posters. Yeah, like that.

  Ms. Green shows us the cafeteria next. Then I ask her where the gym is, but she just shrugs.

  “They’ve got a gym at Union High,” she says. “Here at the middle school, we just sectioned off a part of the parking lot. Sometimes we take students to the park down the street.”

  And I haven’t even talked about the other kids yet.

  At UMS, the sixth-grade classes are on the second floor. Seventh grade is on the third floor. And eighth grade is on the fourth floor. In other words, the higher you go, the more dangerous it gets. Because those eighth graders...I can’t even front...they can be a little intimidating—scratch that, they can be straight-up scary sometimes. About half of the boys have full beards, and I’ve seen at least three girls with healthy mustaches. N
o lie.

  Believe me, you do not want to get caught alone on the fourth floor in this place.

  Or in the stairwell.

  And definitely not in the bathroom. Never in the bathroom. I’ve already decided that if I ever have to go, I’m just going to hold it until high school. Peeing your pants is not a good look, but you know, sometimes in life, especially life at Fort Union, a brotha has to weigh his options. Carefully.

  So wish me luck. I think I’m going to need it.

  READ ON IN:

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Welcome

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Chapter 29

  Chapter 30

  Chapter 31

  Chapter 32

  Chapter 33

  Chapter 34

  Chapter 35

  Chapter 36

  Chapter 37

  Chapter 38

  Chapter 39

  Chapter 40

  Chapter 41

  Chapter 42

  Chapter 43

  Chapter 44

  Chapter 45

  Chapter 46

  Chapter 47

  Chapter 48

  Chapter 49

  Chapter 50

  Chapter 51

  Chapter 52

  Chapter 53

  Chapter 54

  Chapter 55

  Chapter 56

  Chapter 57

  Chapter 58

  Chapter 59

  Chapter 60

  Chapter 61

  Chapter 62

  Chapter 63

  Chapter 64

  Chapter 65

  Chapter 66

  Chapter 67

  Chapter 68

  Chapter 69

  Chapter 70

  Chapter 71

  Chapter 72

  Chapter 73

  Chapter 74

  Chapter 75

  Chapter 76

  Chapter 77

  Chapter 78

  About the Authors

  Books by James Patterson for Young Readers

  A Sneak Peek of I Funny

  A Sneak Peek of Public School Superhero

  Copyright

  Copyright

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

  Copyright © 2014 by James Patterson

  Illustrations by Juliana Neufeld

  Excerpt from I Funny copyright © 2012 by James Patterson

  Illustrations in excerpt from I Funny by Laura Park

  Excerpt from Public School Superhero copyright © 2015 by James Patterson

  Illustrations in excerpt from Public School Superhero by Cory Thomas

  Cover illustration by Juliana Neufeld

  Cover design by Sasha Illingworth

  Cover copyright © 2014 Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  Middle School® is a trademark of JBP Business, LLC.

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Little, Brown and Company

  Hachette Book Group

  1290 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10104

  lb-kids.com

  Little, Brown and Company is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The Little, Brown name and logo are trademarks of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

  The publisher is not responsible for websites (or their content) that are not owned by the publisher.

  First ebook edition: November 2014

  ISBN 978-0-316-40588-1

  E3