The Nerdiest Wimpiest Dorkiest I Funny Ever Read online

  Contents

  About the Book

  About the Authors

  Also by James Patterson

  Title Page

  Chapter 1: The Joke Heard Round the World

  Chapter 2: Tunnel of Fear

  Chapter 3: Sail it with a Kiss

  Chapter 4: Love is in the Air. So is My B.O.

  Chapter 5: Marriage. It has a Nice Ring to it.

  Chapter 6: There’s a New Stevie in Town

  Chapter 7: The Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic, Version 2.0

  Chapter 8: It’s News to Me

  Chapter 9: The New Kids on the Block

  Chapter 10: The Cornball Queen

  Chapter 11: Something’s Fishy

  Chapter 12: Things I Did Not See Coming

  Chapter 13: Global Freezing

  Chapter 14: Stump the Jokester

  Chapter 15: International Intrigue

  Chapter 16: A Wonderfully Wacky Wedding

  Chapter 17: Toast with Jam

  Chapter 18: Deep Thinking Near the Deep Fryer

  Chapter 19: Look Out, World, Here We Come!

  Chapter 20: Pinning Down Our Plans

  Chapter 21: Leaving on a Jet Plane

  Chapter 22: “My-Oh Me-Oh, Welcome to Rio”

  Chapter 23: They Funny

  Chapter 24: The Wonders Down Under

  Chapter 25: Two Comics, One Mission

  Chapter 26: Awesome Aussies

  Chapter 27: Local Color

  Chapter 28: Hello, Tokyo

  Chapter 29: From Russia without Love

  Chapter 30: Kenya Believe it? We’re in Africa

  Chapter 31: Cheers for Chiku

  Chapter 32: Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

  Chapter 33: The Duel in Dubai?

  Chapter 34: Happy Mother’s Day

  Chapter 35: Mo’ Tensions in the Middle East

  Chapter 36: Bye, Bye, Dubai

  Chapter 37: Berlin Funny Business

  Chapter 38: Extremely Cold War

  Chapter 39: My Midair Pity Party

  Chapter 40: London Bridge is Falling Down

  Chapter 41: Warm Words

  Chapter 42: Amazing Grace

  Chapter 43: Friday Night Frights

  Chapter 44: Time to Break My Solemn Vow?

  Chapter 45: Flying Blind

  Chapter 46: Killer Comics

  Chapter 47: Vasily the Valiant

  Chapter 48: Joking Nice

  Chapter 49: Brit Wits

  Chapter 50: The Hits Keep on Coming

  Chapter 51: Gilda Calling

  Chapter 52: And the Loser is …

  Chapter 53: Dethroned?

  Chapter 54: Frown Town Bus

  Chapter 55: Bus Songs

  Chapter 56: Burger Talk

  Chapter 57: Gilda to the Rescue

  Chapter 58: The Laughter Games

  Chapter 59: Funny Business

  Chapter 60: I Hope I Funny

  Chapter 61: Killer Material

  Chapter 62: Commercial Break?

  Chapter 63: Hamish’s Big Moment

  Chapter 64: New Rules

  Chapter 65: The Jokes are All on Me

  Chapter 66: The Last Words

  Chapter 67: Laughing at Myself

  Chapter 68: The Winner is …

  Chapter 69: The Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic

  Epilogue: And in Conclusion …

  Read on for an extract from Not So Normal Norbert

  Copyright

  ABOUT THE BOOK

  Everybody’s favourite kid comic, Jamie Grimm, is out to conquer the world – with laughter, of course!

  Comedian Jamie Grimm can’t help feeling like he’s reached the top – he has his own smash hit TV show and he’s won a national funny-kid competition. But now he’s taking his fame and fortune to international levels by competing in the upcoming world kid comic contest! Will Jamie prove that he’s the funniest kid on earth – or does he stand (or sit!) to lose his crown?

  is the internationally bestselling author of the highly praised Middle School books, Homeroom Diaries, Kenny Wright: Superhero, Word of Mouse, Pottymouth and Stoopid, Laugh Out Loud and the I Funny, Jacky Ha-Ha, Treasure Hunters, House of Robots, Confessions, Maximum Ride, Witch & Wizard and Daniel X series. James Patterson’s books have sold more than 365 million copies worldwide, making him one of the biggest-selling authors of all time. He lives in Florida.

  is a New York Times bestselling author who has collaborated with James Patterson on the I Funny, Treasure Hunters, Jacky Ha-Ha and House of Robots series, as well as on Word of Mouse, Pottymouth and Stoopid, Laugh Out Loud and Daniel X: Armageddon. He lives in New York City.

  is an author-illustrator who has illustrated more than one hundred children’s books. He is based in Manila, and once got into trouble in school for passing around funny cartoons during class. He now does this for a living and shares his jokes with his seven-year-old daughter, Sophia.

  (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Join Jamie Grimm at middle school where he’s on an unforgettable mission to win the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic Contest. Dealing with the school bully (who he also happens to live with) and coping with a disability are no trouble for Jamie when he has laughter on his side.

  (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Heading to the national semi-finals, Jamie’s one step closer to achieving his dream! But will a sudden family health scare put his ambitions on hold?

  (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Jamie’s heading to Hollywood for his biggest challenge yet. There’s only the small matter of the national finals and eight other laugh-a-minute competitors between him and the trophy—oh, and a hurricane!

  (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Jamie has achieved his dream of becoming the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic, and now the sky’s the limit! Enter a couple of TV executives with an offer for Jamie to star in his very own show …

  (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Jamie has a national contest trophy and a TV show under his belt, but teaching other kids how to be funny is the toughest gig that he has ever had. And if he fails, his school library will be shut down for good!

  The Worst Years of My Life (with Chris Tebbetts)

  Get Me Out of Here! (with Chris Tebbetts)

  My Brother Is a Big, Fat Liar (with Lisa Papademetriou)

  How I Survived Bullies, Broccoli, and Snake Hill

  (with Chris Tebbetts)

  Ultimate Showdown (with Julia Bergen)

  Save Rafe! (with Chris Tebbetts)

  Just My Rotten Luck (with Chris Tebbetts)

  Dog’s Best Friend (with Chris Tebbetts)

  Escape to Australia (with Martin Chatterton)

  From Hero to Zero (with Chris Tebbetts)

  Treasure Hunters (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Danger Down the Nile (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Secret of the Forbidden City (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Peril at the Top of the World (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Quest for the City of Gold (with Chris Grabenstein)

  House of Robots (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Robots Go Wild! (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Robot Revolution (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Jacky Ha-Ha (with Chris Grabenstein)

  My Life is a Joke (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Kenny Wright: Superhero (with Chris Tebbetts)

  Homeroom Diaries (with Lisa Papademetriou)

  Word of Mouse (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Pottymouth and Stoopid (with Chris Grabenstein)

  Laugh Out Loud (with Chris Grabenstein)

  For more information about James Patterson’s novels, visit
www.jamespatterson.co.uk

  SO, HAVE YOU ever been in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time?

  For instance, have you ever tried to tell jokes to people who don’t speak your language, which means they’ll never laugh because they don’t understand a single word you’re saying?

  This is why I’m sweating like a berserk Super Soaker.

  This is also why I probably shouldn’t’ve accepted the invitation to address the United Nations. They wanted me to ask the assembled diplomats to play nice with each other for the sake of kids all around the world.

  I think the last time some of these guys played nice, there were snakes involved.

  Talk about your mission impossible.

  Yes, I’ve done some amazingly incredible stuff in my young life. I’ve won the first-ever Planet’s Funniest Kid stand-up comedian contest even though, technically, I can’t stand up. And I wasn’t really up against the planet like I am now, just the United States. I have my own TV show on BNC. I’ve even kissed a few girls.

  But telling jokes that’ll make all 193 member states of the UN General Assembly chuckle? It’s a nightmare.

  “When you think about it,” I sputter into my microphone, “we humans are all one big family.”

  Dozens of translators instantaneously repeat what I just said into the earpieces of hundreds of frowning foreign dignitaries.

  I slide into a joke to soften them up. “Speaking of happy families, the other night, I cooked dinner for my family. It was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks showing up sort of ruined it.”

  I smile. Nervously. And wait for the translators to finish my joke for me in all sorts of languages. When they’re done, I’m still smiling and sweating but nobody is laughing.

  “Why does this boy set his house on fire?” demands one delegate in a thick Slovenian accent.

  “Does he ask us to cook dinner for his family?” asks a German lady.

  “I object!” proclaims the Chinese ambassador. “The Happy Family is a Chinese dish and must be stir-fried in a wok with bamboo shoots!”

  “You guys?” I plead. “It’s just a joke!”

  “Sacré bleu!” screams another diplomat. “Did this boy in the wheelchair call me a joke?” She pounds her desk with a shoe.

  “You insult me,” cries that Slovenian guy, “and you insult my country.”

  “Give him the hook!” shouts the American representative to the UN, the lady who invited me to speak in the first place. “Get him offstage!”

  Finally, everybody at the United Nations is united around a common cause. They all agree on one thing: I Not Funny.

  FORTUNATELY, THAT’S WHEN I wake up.

  Like I said, me speaking at the United Nations? It’s a nightmare. Only I’m having my nightmare in the middle of the day because I grabbed a quick catnap while the crew set up the scenery for the final shot of this season’s Jamie Funnie TV series. That’s one good thing about being stuck in a wheelchair. You always have a comfy seat when you want to nod off.

  During the break, Nigel Bigglebottom, the British actor playing the TV version of my uncle Frankie, fixed himself a spot of tea along with some cookies, which he calls biscuits. That still confuses me, along with chips and crisps. Everybody else is guzzling coffee, water, and soda pop. When you work on a TV show, free snacks and beverages are everywhere.

  “I can’t believe this will be our final scene for the entire season!” Nigel proclaims in a plummy British accent. Everything he says sounds supersnooty, even though he’s really friendly. Fortunately, he switches into a New Yawk accent when he plays Uncle Frankie. Otherwise it would just sound weird.

  Actually, almost everything about starring in a TV show called Jamie Funnie based on my life is kind of weird. Good thing my best buds Joey Gaynor (he’s the one with the long hair and a nose ring), Jimmy Pierce (the total brainiac in the porkpie hat), and Gilda Gold (the curly-haired Boston Red Sox fan and comedy film fanatic) are working on the show with me. In fact, Gilda is our director. She’s also kind of my girlfriend. Maybe. Don’t quote me on that.

  “We’re back,” Mr. Wetmore says through the ceiling speakers in the sound stage. Richard Wetmore is the show’s tech director. He’s up in the control booth with all the knobs, buttons, and levers. “We’re back” means we all need to go back to work. The crew has finished putting together the scenery. The studio audience applauds. They’re eager to see us shoot our final scene.

  To be honest, it’s one I haven’t really been looking forward to. Not because the final scene of the final episode means we’ll be finished making funny TV shows for the year.

  Nope. I’m dreading this scene for another reason.

  It takes place at an amusement park. In the Tunnel of Love. You know, one of those romantic rides where you drift down a man-made stream in a dinky dinghy through a very dark passageway.

  I might be fine if I were the only one in the scene. But I’m not. I’ll be sharing the boat with Donna Dinkle, the Hollywood sitcom star playing Jillda Jewel. Yes, that’s the TV version of Gilda Gold.

  And guess what the script says we do at the end of the scene, when we come out of the Tunnel of Love?

  That’s right. We’re supposed to kiss.

  I’M SWEATING, OF course.

  Big surprise.

  When you kiss somebody in a TV show, several million total strangers see you do it. So does that studio audience.

  “I put on an extra layer of lip gloss,” gushes Donna Dinkle.

  She looooves the kissy-face scenes the writers are always putting into the Jamie Funnie scripts. Me? Not so much.

  “It’s cotton candy flavor,” she whispers. “It kind of goes with the whole carnival feel of the scene. I hope you like it.”

  I just nod. I’m glad she didn’t go with the even more carnival-ish hot-dog-and-pickle-relish-flavored lip goo.

  While we’re inside the tunnel, a makeup team is supposed to stamp red lipstick smooch marks all over my face. That will make it look like Jillda and I have been kissing the whole time we’ve been off camera!

  It might be fake, but Donna’s goo-goo eyes at me aren’t.

  “You ready to roll, Jamie?” asks Gilda.

  “Always,” I say as I nudge the wheels of my chair and power up a ramp to the love boat loading dock. When you’re the star of the show, you have to work a little harder than everybody else. When you’re in a wheelchair, you push yourself even more. Literally. You should see the size of my arm muscles.

  Two burly stagehands grab hold of my armrests and hoist me into the boat. Once I’m in place, they secure my wheels to the boat’s bottom boards with safety straps.

  Donna steps into the boat and sits down on the bench seat.

  She’s clearly eager to start shooting.

  “This reminds me of that ride at Disney World,” Donna coos. “It’s a Small World.”

  Then she starts singing that song. The one where the lyrics keep repeating “It’s a small world after all, it’s a small, small world.”

  Over and over and over. And over and over and over.

  “It’s a small world—”

  Thankfully, Gilda shouts, “Quiet on the set!”

  A bell rings.

  “Aaaaand, action!”

  The boat slides into the tunnel. I forget what I’m supposed to say. I also forget my name and my home address. I forget everything I’ve ever known, even how to tie my shoes, which is fine because I mostly wear slip-on sneakers these days.

  I’m panicking. Fortunately, Donna Dinkle is a pro. She did a ton of sitcoms before we cast her in Jamie Funnie. She covers for me by ad-libbing a version of my line. “No, Jamie, I don’t wish this were the Tunnel of Tacos.”

  She snuggles up to my right wheel. The studio audience goes, “Wooooo!” The way they always do right before something mushy happens.

  Our love boat glides into the dark tunnel entrance. The audience can’t see what we’re doing back there. So they keep wooing while the makeup team stamps smo
och marks on my face, which isn’t easy because my skin is slick with sweat. Ten seconds later, our little boat comes out the other side.

  The studio audience cracks up. Because my face is covered with red lip prints.

  And Donna’s poised to give me one more.

  The audience laughs. Donna smacks me—right on the lips. (It’s just about the only empty spot on my face. The makeup artists were very thorough.)

  “Awwwww!” The audience swoons. I nearly faint. The parts of my face that aren’t already red with lipstick turn pink.

  I remember my last line. “Now can we go visit the Tunnel of Tacos?”

  The audience cracks up. Gilda calls, “Cut! That’s a wrap! Good work this year, everybody!”

  The audience gives us a standing ovation (something I haven’t been able to give myself in years).

  Gilda comes over as the crew guys haul me out of the boat.

  “You were brilliant, Jamie!” she tells me.

  Then she kisses me, too! On the cheek.

  Now my face turns purple.

  A GROUP OF Japanese tourists streams down to the stage after Gilda calls the wrap.

  I hope they don’t smell how much I’ve been sweating. One day, I am going to launch my own brand of deodorant: I Sweaty.

  Seems being in the studio audience for Jamie Funnie was part of the tour group’s “Hollywood in New York City” VIP package. Meeting me was part of that package, too.

  “We donate all the VIP visit fees to charity,” explains Latoya Sherron, a producer on my show.

  “Cool,” I say. A lot of the money we make on Jamie Funnie goes to the Hope Trust Foundation, which runs the hospital where I went for physical therapy right after the horrible car accident that put me in my chair. The doctors up there studied my case and decided that laughter would be my best medicine. So they kept giving me joke books and classic comedy DVDs.

  They saved my life. They also helped make me who I am today. The least I can do is try to give back a little so they can help some other kids in even worse shape than I was.

  “You funny!” says the Japanese tour guide, while his group surrounds me on the stage.