Katt vs. Dogg Read online

  “It’ll get so nasty!” said his father.

  “And that’s why it will be so beautiful,” said the ferret. “Oscar will totally demolish Molly. Live on national television. There will no longer be any question about who’s the superior species. Doggs will rule and katts will drool.”

  “Actually,” said Oscar, “we’re sort of the droolers. Katts mostly purr and lick their paws and…”

  “Son?” said his father. “Have you gone soft on me?”

  “No, sir. It’s just that the ferret said—”

  “Did I mention that we’re paying?” asked the ferret.

  “You mean money?” asked Oscar’s dad.

  “Yes, sir. Unless you’d rather have kibble?”

  “No, money’s fine. Money’s good.”

  “We like money,” said Oscar’s sister.

  “How much are we talking about here?” asked Oscar’s dad.

  “Well, sir,” said the ferret, “if you sign on the dotted line today, I am authorized by my network to guarantee you a minimum of fifty thousand against a ceiling of one hundred thousand!”

  Oscar’s father whistled. When he did, all the other doggs perked up one ear.

  The ferret unfurled a scroll with all sorts of legal mumbo jumbo written on it.

  “I don’t like this idea,” said Oscar. In fact, he totally hated it.

  “What part don’t you like?” asked his father, puffing out his chest. “Destroying those snooty katts once and for all or the money we’re going to make doing it?”

  “We do need the money, sweetheart,” added his mother.

  “I know I totally do,” said his sister.

  “Well, Oscar?” said his father, glaring at him.

  Oscar thought about Molly. Then he thought about the money. And then he remembered how Molly didn’t defend him when her father accused Oscar of nipping off the tip of her tail and ear.

  Molly never really was his friend, was she?

  She was just a katt.

  A sneaky, stuck-up, hissy-fit-throwing katt.

  “Sign the contract, Dad,” he said. “Let’s do this thing!”

  Chapter 57

  On the night of the big debate, Oscar rode to the city auditorium in the back of his father’s pickup truck.

  Searchlights crisscrossed the sky above the city auditorium. Oscar’s father needed a police escort to make his way through the snarled traffic. It seemed as though every dogg and every katt in the land was coming to see the big show.

  The pressure was so intense that Oscar was feeling sick to his stomach. The can of nacho-flavored Chunkee Stuff he’d had for dinner was probably a mistake, too.

  “Look at all those doggs, Oscar!” his dad shouted from the cab of the truck when they pulled up outside the auditorium. “They’re all here for you, son!”

  Oscar saw a mob of rowdy doggs—stacked six deep—lined up behind a velvet rope on one side of a long red carpet. A mob of katts—just as deep and vicious—was lined up along the other side. The two sides were snarling, hissing, and swatting at each other. Security guards, mostly baboons, were keeping the crowd under control.

  Everybody had their cell phones up to snap pictures of the two combatants’ big arrival. The TV ferret was there with her blazing lights and camera crew, ready to interview Oscar and Molly.

  “Oh, great,” grumbled Oscar’s dad as the truck lurched to a stop. “We have to wait for them!”

  “Now, dear, don’t start foaming at the mouth,” said Oscar’s mom. “Everybody will think you have rabies…”

  “Who cares? I’m ticked off, Lola. How come those katts get to go into the auditorium first?”

  “Maybe because Molly is so pretty!” gushed Oscar’s sister, when she saw Molly step into the camera light with the ferret reporter.

  Oscar had to agree: Molly was looking magnificent.

  Her white coat was clean and shiny. Then again, it was the first time Oscar had ever seen it without mud streaks or clumps of sticky-bush burrs buried in it. Her blue, blue eyes had never been more brilliant and clear.

  Molly looked exactly like the movie star she’d told Oscar she would become one day.

  Well, that day was today.

  Oscar was so happy for her, he almost started kicking his leg the way he did whenever somebody tickled the happy spot on his belly.

  Because (don’t tell his parents or any other dogg), to his surprise, he was actually proud of Molly!

  Chapter 58

  Yes,” Molly said to the ferret after making sure the TV camera was aimed at her best side. “I’m really looking forward to this evening. It should prove highly entertaining.”

  “Will you tear into your opponent with both claws?” asked the ferret.

  “I prefer to employ the power of words,” said Molly. “For, you see, I am… an actress!”

  She pulled her paw down in front of her face to do a slight (yet extremely dramatic) head bow.

  “She will, indubitably, shred the dogg to pieces,” added her father, who was hovering over her shoulder.

  “Well, we’re looking forward to seeing you in action, Molly,” said the ferret. “We hope you tear into that dogg the way a jackal tears into roadkill. But, wait. Here comes your opponent. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, scampering up the red carpet, tail wagging, tongue lolling, ears perked up. It’s the Dogg Scout himself. Here comes Molly’s opponent, Oscar!”

  Molly turned slightly as the cameras swung sideways to record Oscar’s entrance.

  She saw Oscar with his goofy tongue lolling out of his mouth. His happy tail wagging. His floppy paws bouncing up and down as he bounded up the red carpet.

  And the strangest thing happened.

  Molly almost couldn’t breathe. Her heart was racing. Her white cheeks went slightly pink.

  She was overcome with joy.

  She was so happy to see him again.

  “Oscar,” Molly gasped under her smile.

  She moved to give him a big hug.

  But the television producer and her parents and even one of the security baboons grabbed her from behind.

  “What do you think you’re doing, Molly?” hissed her father.

  “I want to hug Oscar. We went through so much together. And he looks all healed and—”

  “You want to hug him?” said the ferret, as if she couldn’t believe her own ears. “Where is the drama in that, Molly? Your fans did not come here tonight to see a hug-fest. They came for a slugfest! They want conflict, Molly. Action. Theater. Spectacle. And a good actress always gives her audience what they came to see!”

  “Listen to the ferret, dear,” said Molly’s mother. “And remember: You’re a katt! That boy is a dirty, disgusting—not to mention dumb—dogg!”

  “Yes, mother,” said Molly, dropping her eyes and shoulders.

  “Come along,” said her father, as he took Molly by the elbow and ushered her into the auditorium. “We should go inside, immediately!”

  Molly did what her father told her to do.

  After all, she always did what her daddy told her to do. She was a good katt.

  Chapter 59

  Oscar couldn’t believe all the bright lights blinding him when he stepped up to his podium in front of the television cameras.

  Molly was on the other side of the stage, standing behind her podium, looking like a glamorous movie star.

  Somebody said they would be on the air, live, in five, four, three, two…

  The audience clapped, cheered, and went crazy (maybe because there was a big blinking sign telling them to CLAP, CHEER, AND GO CRAZY). Somewhere, a band struck up a dramatic theme song. Lights swung across the stage. Cameras swooped around on booms and cranes. The whole thing reminded Oscar of one of his favorite reality TV shows: Doggs Got Talent.

  “Good evening, everybody,” said the ferret at center stage. “Welcome to a special, live presentation of Sworn Enemies for Life! First up—the lightning round!”

  Thunder clapped. Strobe lights flashed. Oscar wa
nted to go hide under his bed. He was afraid of lightning and thunder.

  “Okay, Molly and Oscar. Here come a series of rapid-fire questions,” said the ferret. “Molly, you go first. When I think about doggs I think about… fill in the blank!”

  “Their smelly farts,” said Molly, smoothly.

  The audience roared with laughter and applause.

  “Oscar? Your turn. Katts remind me of my worst… fill in the blank.”

  “Um, my worst… my worst…”

  “I already said that part,” joked the ferret. “You need to fill in what comes after that.”

  “Okay. Sure.”

  Oscar would’ve been sweating profusely except doggs don’t sweat, they just pant. So he did that.

  “Um, does it have to be something bad?” he asked while panting heavily.

  “Uh, yeah.”

  “Because, all of a sudden, I was thinking about liverwurst.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “It’s a kind of meat,” Oscar mumbled. “I like meat. And you said ‘worst’ which reminded me of liverwurst. I love the stuff. It’s soft and meaty and…”

  “Moving on,” said the ferret. “Molly. Through what part of their body do doggs sweat?”

  Molly shrugged. “I don’t know. Their butts?”

  More laughter. A buzzer scronked.

  “Sorry. The correct answer is ‘their mouths.’”

  “Ewww. That’s gross.”

  “I know. Okay, Oscar. What is the scientific name for fear of katts?”

  “Oh, um, I think that’s ailurophobia. I looked it up once because I was wondering why my whole family seemed to be so afraid of—”

  “One-word answers will do, Oscar.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You sure are!” shouted one of the katts in the audience. All the other katts laughed.

  Several doggs barked and growled.

  The moderator led Oscar and Molly through a half dozen more quick questions. Molly was brilliant. Oscar was a mess.

  “Let’s move on to the main event,” said the ferret, just when Oscar thought the torture would never end. “We want the inside scoop. What happened out there in the wilderness?”

  “Ooooh,” murmured the whole audience, leaning forward in their seats.

  Everybody was interested in this.

  Oscar was so nervous his mouth was drier than a rawhide chew that’s been sitting in the sun for six months. He really, really wished there was a toilet bowl he could go drink out of.

  Then things got even worse.

  “Oscar?” said the ferret. “You go first.”

  Chapter 60

  Um, okay,” said Oscar. “My family and I were on our way to the Western Frontier Park when Dad got in this road rage race with a snooty katt family…”

  “We won!” his dad shouted from the audience.

  “Anyhoo,” said Oscar, his tail sagging between his legs. “After some fun days at the dogg camp, I went chasing after a flying squirrel and got lost.”

  “Typical dogg!” sniffed the ferret. The katts in the crowd chuckled.

  “I got lost because I chased a butterfly,” said Molly.

  “Awwwww,” sighed all the katts. “A butterfly. How sweeeeet.”

  “You mean stupid!” snarled the doggs.

  “That night I was walking around in circles, trying to find my way back to camp,” said Oscar, “and I came across a wild mountain lion.”

  The whole crowd gasped in horror.

  “Later,” said Oscar, “I met Molly. Someone had nipped her ear and tail.”

  “You!” screamed the katts. “Ear nipper! Tail biter!”

  “No. I didn’t do it. I promise.”

  “Tell them, Molly. Tell them it was the mountain lion and the fox, not me.”

  Molly looked out into the audience. To where her family was sitting. They were hissing and swatting at Oscar’s family across the aisle. And then…

  Silence. She didn’t say a word.

  Oscar’s ears and tail sank. Had he imagined all those nice, warm moments with Molly? How could she be so different from that lost katt in the woods?

  “Well, Oscar,” joked the moderator, “it sounds like you’re the only one lyin’ here! Molly? You tell us. What happened next?”

  Molly was quiet. She was watching Oscar, the expression on her face unreadable.

  “Molly?” the ferret pressed.

  “Well, um, okay.” Now Molly sounded nervous. And, from the look on her face, she was feeling kind of queasy. Oscar wondered if she’d had nacho-flavored dogg food for dinner, too.

  “The, uh, dogg, he chased me…”

  All the katts hissed.

  “He also accused me of stealing all his food.”

  “I did,” said Oscar. “And that was wrong. But I was very hungry so I wasn’t thinking clearly. Turns out the mountain lion stole my food and shredded my knapsack. Molly’s claws are too dainty to rip up fabric like that.”

  “It’s true,” said Molly, showing everybody her manicure.

  The katts in the crowd purred.

  “We ate bark and stuff,” said Oscar. “One time, Molly found us berries. We shared them.”

  “Liar! You probably stole them from her!” a katt shouted.

  Oscar started to whimper. He was telling the truth but everyone was yelling at him. All he wanted was to lie in his dogg bed under a blanket.

  And never see Molly again for as long as he lived.

  Then Molly’s voice rang out. “I want all the katts to hear this,” she said. “After being on my own for so long, I realized something.”

  “That you were trapped in the wilderness with your sworn enemy?” asked the ferret, her eyes wide.

  “No.” This time, Molly didn’t look out into the audience for her family. She looked right at Oscar! “I realized that Oscar and I would have a better chance of surviving if we…” she paused and smiled at Oscar. “… called a truce.”

  “What?” screeched the ferret.

  “Boo!” shouted the katts.

  “Never!” shouted the doggs. “No truce! No truce!”

  The hungry cameras rolled in for tighter shots.

  Chapter 61

  Oooh,” said the ferret, greedily rubbing her paws together. “This is getting juicy! You called a truce and Oscar immediately broke it, right?”

  “No,” said Molly. “We helped each other. In fact, one time, we were on a cliff. Remember, Oscar?”

  Oscar nodded. “And a weaselboar lowered its tusks and came charging right at us!”

  “Oscar shielded me. Took a tusk to his chest and got that big gash.”

  “But Molly knew all about herbs and medicines. She helped heal me.”

  “It was the least I could do,” Molly said modestly. “I would’ve lost one of my nine lives to that weaselboar if it weren’t for him. Thank you, Oscar.”

  “Boo!” shouted the crowd. “Get those kids off the stage! He’s a disgrace to doggs! She’s a kattastrophe!”

  A clump of doggs started hooting and howling at the moon, even though they were indoors. Several alley katts took to caterwauling and yelping. All the other creatures were grunting and groaning and ooh-ooh-ooh-ing in disapproval.

  This show wasn’t turning out as advertised.

  “Let’s get back on topic!” yelled the ferret. She had to shout to be heard over the uproar of several thousand angry creatures stuffed into an oversold auditorium. “Tell us why you hate Oscar, Molly.”

  “I don’t hate him at all,” she said proudly. “Oscar ferried me across a stream. He saved me from a marauding eagle even though he was badly hurt. I couldn’t have asked for a better animal to be lost with.”

  “No, no, no!” cried the crowd, stomping their paws and hooves on the floor. “Booooooo!”

  Finally, Oscar had had enough.

  “Why don’t you all just sit down and shut up!” he barked.

  “We’re trying to tell you that we saved each other’s lives!” said Molly.
r />   “We helped each other,” said Oscar. “Then some other creatures helped us, too!”

  “It’s what they do in the wilderness!” said Molly. “They work together.”

  “And that’s what we did the whole time we were together. And Molly was amazing out there! She’s so smart it’s scary.”

  “And Oscar’s incredible! You should see him run, folks. Not just sprints. This dogg can go the distance! He’s my hero!”

  And then Molly did something even more amazing.

  She leapt across the stage, grabbed Oscar, and kissed him!

  Oscar thought he might faint.

  “Did not see that coming,” he muttered.

  The audience was stunned.

  They stopped booing and growling and yowling.

  They stood there speechless. Their mouths hanging open. Their eyes wide.

  They could not believe what they had just seen.

  The ferret looked shocked.

  There was no noise at all in the auditorium.

  Except, finally, faintly—the sound of two creatures clapping.

  They were Molly and Oscar’s mothers!

  Then, like a wave, the applause started to ripple across the room. At first it was cautious and unsure.

  But then it grew louder.

  And louder.

  And louder still!

  Even Oscar and Molly’s fathers were clapping. And crying.

  (Oscar’s dad would later say that his eyes were watery because he’s allergic to katts.)

  Before long, everybody in the auditorium was cheering for Oscar and Molly and this strange idea of different creatures helping each other.

  Oscar was so happy, his right rear leg started kicking.

  Molly just purred.

  Chapter 62

  While the crowd cheered and clapped, Molly leaned in and whispered into Oscar’s ear.

  “That kiss was a little bit of theater,” she told him. “You know—make believe. I was just pretending.”

  “Oh,” said Oscar. He tried to lift his sagging tail but it seemed so heavy.